Break up with him
by Eclareforever93
Summary: Clare wakes up in bed with someone other than her boyfriend, will they work things out or will the guy of the night change her mind
1. Chapter 1

**Clare's pov:**

Opening my eyes I instantly notice this is not my room even in the darkness with a drowsy mind, I feel a warm body next to mine and can hear light breathing I look over and memories come back to me. No, no no! This cannot be Happening that couldn't have happened I look under the blanket and my nightmare becomes reality I'm completely naked and so is the boy sleeping next to me I swiftly get up and put my clothes on making sure not to make a sound so I can go unnoticed I check the time on my phone it's 2am on a school night I leave the room and make my way toward my house I make it to my room laying down on my bed replaying last night's events over and over in my head like a record on repeat, I'm brought out of my thoughts by the beeping sound of my phone

 **Eli: Couldn't wait until morning to make your exit? That hurts Clare I thought last night was special I'll see you tomorrow.**

I didn't bother texting him back I just went to sleep wondering how I had done this to my boyfriend.

 **Yesterday:**

 _Beep beep beep_

I roll over and groggily hit the silent button on my alarm clock still drowsy from abruptly waking up, like any typical Thursday morning I take a shower get dressed and make my way to school, I go to my locker and get my books out for the day, I expected to see K.C by now but he hasn't showed up yet he's been my boyfriend for a year and a half we're great together or we were lately he's been distant and things just don't feel the same but I'm sure it'll pass we love each other. I decide to walk to K.C's locker maybe he's just running late. As I approach his locker I notice not only is he there but he's surrounded by the rest of the football team and of course Jenna I continue on my way when I'm stopped suddenly by someone lightly grabbing my wrist.

"Break up with him"he says casually

I look back to meet the familiar green eyes of Eli Goldsworthy my English partner for the past six months we have grown close and Eli is convinced that we would be good together but I'm with K.C I've told Eli way more times then I can count that I can't leave him especially for some other guy I would never do that even if we are having a rough time the past few weeks.

"excuse me?" I ask quirking my head to the side looking at him with a confused look

"you're not in love with him, tell him it's ove **r"** he shrugged

"and what makes you say that?" raising my eyebrow questionably

Eli smirked flirtatiously before leisurely walking away

I was left standing there dumbfounded I'm not surprised by what was said Eli's been saying these things for months now but I am a bit thrown off that I was actually considering what he was saying, is he right am I not in love with K.C anymore? Before I realize it the bell rings and K.C and his pack of intimidating stuck up friends are long gone I'll never understand why he hangs around with them he's better than that all they do is walk around acting like they're better than everyone else because they can throw a ball so the social hierarchy tells them that can and as for Jenna it doesn't take a genius to figure out exactly what she is; Jenna's a home wrecking harlot and she's dying to dig her claws into my boyfriend with her fake platinum blonde hair and over the top sexuality but unfortunately for her that will never work, K.C and I love each other if I wasn't sure of it I wouldn't have broken my vow and given myself to him.

I gave K.C my virginity to celebrate our most recent monthly anniversary and to show him that I was completely his while it wasn't as perfect as I wanted it to be it was okay, well actually no if I'm being honest with myself it was terrible it hurt the whole time and was completely awkward I stared at the wall waiting for him to finish while he was relentlessly thrusting over top of me making sounds that were making it even more awkward, feeling him inside me was not right it felt like an intrusion and he didn't seem to consider how I felt it wasn't what I imagined at all I always thought making love would be a connecting experience with the person you love but there was a total disconnect the feeling overall was unnerving sending the wrong kind of shivers down my spine and the five minutes it lasted before I stopped him lagged on for what felt like hours. I don't know why it felt that way but it wasn't a good experience, needless to say we haven't had sex again since, I can't get passed the sickening feelings I get from remembering the way it felt to try again. I just wasn't ready for sex that has to be it because like I said even though it was less than perfect we wouldn't have had sex if we weren't in love.

I make it to English class and notice Eli is already in his seat I walk over and take my seat behind him giving him a friendly smile he gives me a simple hello followed by his signature smirk before turning back around Lately I can't help but notice how sexy his smirk is and those eye of his are like a forest I could get lost in all night without a care in the world, stop it Clare you love K.C you can't swoon over Eli Goldsworthy no matter how tempting he may be. I have an undeniable connection with Eli I can't fight that we instantly clicked after we were assigned English partners, he's rapidly made his way to being one of my best friends and had things been different we might have been able to be more than friends but that's simply not the case, I have a boyfriend and that's not going to change even if I wanted it to sometimes I can't help but wonder what if but that's just human nature.

Class went by and is about to be dismissed we've been assigned a new project with our partner we're supposed to take a deep look into the relationship between the love interests in one of our favorite books and write about if we think it's a realistic relationship goal or simply a fairytale for people to want but not truly ever be able to obtain.

"so partner I'll call you and we can set up plans to tear apart the romantics of the notebook?" Eli says sarcastically giving me a knowing look

"The relationship between Allie and Noah is completely realistic, and how do you even know that's what I'm going to pick" I say animatedly, he raises his eyebrow and presses his lips together before replying

"hmm let me think Edwards it may have something to do with your endless rants on how romantic it is, or how many times you've mentioned watching the movie during your girls nights with Allie" he tilts his head giving me a smug look knowing he's won.

I glare back at him crossing my arms in defeat knowing he's right, he smiles shaking his head as the bell rings before getting up and heading out the door, not long after I exit the classroom I see Allie in the hallway and quickly make my way over to her

"can you believe Eli he thinks he knows me so well he's just so ugh!" the frustration evident in my voice

"Clare we all know you're in love with Eli and the sexual frustration is killing you, just dump K.C let Jenna have him, go over to Eli's house and jump his bones like we all know you want to problem solved" she spoke knowingly and I stood there stunned at her words I've told Allie a million times I don't like Eli but yet she Insists on saying otherwise

"I love K.C not Eli we're just friends" my voice came out less confident than I wanted, Allie gave me look that told me she didn't believe it before walking off to her locker

I don't know why Allie is convinced I'm into Eli like that I tell her everything she even said sex with K.C was the way it was because we aren't right together that we've been together long enough that it shouldn't have felt like that, but she is wrong I know it, I notice K.C at his locker and go up to my boyfriend for the first time today

"hey you" I say smiling

"oh hey Clare what's up?" his voice was unenthusiastic

"uh nothing just wanting to talk to my wonderful boyfriend" I said sweetly

"gotcha well I have to get going and I have practice tonight so I probably won't talk to you until tomorrow sorry babe" he gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek and walked off I stood there trying not to get completely upset he's just getting more and more distant, suddenly I feel arms wrap around me from behind and a chin resting on my shoulder

"ouch, that was harsh don't worry about him Clare, you deserve better just stop wasting our time and let me give you the world" I don't even bother turning around I already know it's Eli holding me

"I don't know what to do anymore" I sigh sadness coating my voice not bothering to make Eli move or bringing up his statement the feeling of him is somehow comforting

"I've told you already I'm not going to pressure you Clare, but you can't deny that we fit and you love the feeling I'm giving you right now but I have to go I'll call you later don't be so sad he's not worth it" Eli kissed my cheek sweetly before walking off.

As terrible as it was he was right I loved the feeling he was giving me while I was wrapped in his arms tightly even though I knew it was wrong to let him hold me that way especially out in the hallway for everyone to see but what was even worse I was upset he was walking off even more then I was when K.C walked off, I have a boyfriend this is wrong

The rest of school went by quickly, I went home had a snack took a bath to relax from the long day and the drama with K.C it's 7pm now and I'm laying in my bed bored my parents are out of town until Monday so the house is eerily quiet my phone starts going off and the sudden noise practically makes me fall off my bed I compose myself and check my phone i see Eli's name on the screen and pick it up, he asks if I want to come over to start out project I accept I have nothing better to do and I could use the company deciding to just stay in my pajamas knowing he won't mind I leave for Eli's house, it doesn't take more than 15 minutes before I'm walking up his steps and knocking on the door I do notice that his parents cars are gone though minutes later Eli walks to the door in pajama pants and no shirt I can't help but stare

"see something you like Clare? As flattered as I am my eyes are up here" he places his hand lightly under my chin causing my attention to move to his face I notice the smug smirk on his face no doubt amused from my distraction with his bare upper body

"I-I'm sorry" I stuttered blushing bright red from embarrassment

"don't be sorry you can look at or touch any part of me whenever you want" his voice was low and seductive his tone and insinuation making my body react in a way it shouldn't to anyone other than my boyfriend

"um we should get working on our project" I say quickly feeling flustered

Eli moved over gesturing me to come in we walk up the stairs and into his room sitting on his bed with a respectable space between us he had music playing quietly and we quickly got to our project we were doing really good but after about an hour got a bit off topic

"all I'm saying is a kiss can make you realize how you feel about someone even if you didn't realize it before" Eli said matter of factly

"it cannot putting your lips on someone else's can't change feelings it doesn't work that way either the feelings were there or they weren't a kiss is what you make it" I said just as sure of myself, I watch him glance down at my lips before getting a look on his face I've never scene

"prove it, you said you see me as a friend that's it so let me kiss you unless you're scared I'm right" his voice was challenging and I knew his challenge had double meaning

"kiss me" I say softly I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself I want to prove him wrong and deep down I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to kiss him I've never kissed anyone but K.C

Before I have time to second guess I feel his lips press against mine they're soft and warm, I feel a rush I've never felt it's like fire and the flames are enticing pulling me in deep getting more and more lost without a care. His kiss is different than K.C's it's gentle and slow yet passionate the way his tongue gently plays with mine giving me a pleasant feeling pulling me in deeper, my sober thoughts are long gone I'm drunk off the feeling his kiss is giving me as I feel his hands caressing my side and his body slowly beginning to tower over mine K.C is nowhere in my mind at this point I'm intoxicated by Eli.

I feel his body completely over mine separating my legs letting him rest between them, I can feel his hardness pressed against my most private area and instead of stopping it and feeling guilty for having this reaction on someone who's not my boyfriend I feel myself getting wet knowing I'm doing this to him, knowing he wants me, he removes his lips from mine to place slow intimate open mouth kisses from my jawline down to my neck causing me to bite my lip and quietly moan

Things moved slowly but it seemed to go by fast I'm not sure how it got this far but we're both naked and Eli's kisses are making the fire inside me unendurable, I need to feel him all of him and nothing can stop what's going to happen at this point I hear Eli whispering sweet word in my ear and my body rocks in a way that tells him exactly what I want.

I feel him slowly pushing inside me and even though it's a bit painful and tight I want him to keep going, his head is pressed into my neck and I can hear him grunting in pleasure from the feeling he's getting knowing the pleasure my body is giving him is the biggest turn on for me, once he's all the way in I feel him start kissing my ear before asking if I'm okay in a whisper I nod my head and let out an "mhm" that sounds more like a moan then an answer, as he starts making slow passionate thrusts I can't help the noises escaping my mouth the sensuality in his movements are driving me to bliss I've never felt I let my hands rest on his hips feeling his moments and letting the feeling he's giving me take over my body getting completely lost in him now

I feel his pace pick up just enough to send shocks down my whole body as he hit the spot inside of me that quickly sent me into oblivion I moan loudly as I see nothing but stars, Eli must of had the same reaction because I felt his weight fall against my body leaving lingering kisses on my chest as we caught our breath moments later I felt him pull out and lay beside me pulling me into his chest wrapping his arms around me protectively the last thing I felt were his lips on my my forehead then darkness took over me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Clare's pov:**

 **Friday at school**

I don't know how I managed to force myself out of bed this morning, how I've willed myself to be standing at my locker right now is beyond me. How am i going to look at K.C problems or not I cheated on him and not just a kiss I couldn't have stopped there I knew it was wrong and that would have been bad enough but forgivable, I had to go all the way to the point of have sex with Eli last night I can still feel his hands all over me his body on mine in ways I know I should have allowed but went against my better judgement I don't have an excuse I was sober and completely competent of making a decision I just got caught up in Eli that's not a viable excuse. I never understood what people meant when they said something completely wrong can feel so right until last night with Eli, I regret it but only because I have a boyfriend I have no plan on breaking up with I made a commitment to being with him and I can't break that because of lust. He can never find out about last night. I need to get myself together so I can face him without confessing out of guilt.

Telling him would just hurt him. It would be selfish of me to confess just to clear my conscious I'll endure the guilt and spare him the unnecessary heartbreak that makes perfect sense. I notice K.C walking towards me and get the thoughts out of my head I'm a terrible liar so I have to try and forget it happened for right now. Okay Clare get yourself together

"Hey babe sorry about yesterday and how distant I've been lately I've just had a lot on my mind with the big game coming up" K.C says calmly giving me a quick kiss I can't help but remember the last lips that touched mine had been Eli's last night so much for forgetting it happened

"it's okay I know you've been stressed I wish I could help" I say sincerely keeping my nerves at bay

"I'll be fine after the game in two weeks is over maybe we can have some alone time and try again if you're ready" he said suggestively and I know very well what he means

"of course" I force a smile hoping it's believable

"great well I gotta go I'll see you later" K.C says before strutting away towards his friends and of course Jenna

I can't shake the feeling I'm getting over agreeing to have sex with K.C again, he's my boyfriend I love him I should be more than willing to make love to him again what is wrong with me I need to get myself together. I had sex with Eli last night he's not my boyfriend I have strictly platonic feelings for him nothing romantic whatsoever, sex with him was good, amazing even I gotta hand it to him he's a great lover I'm not sure how experienced he is but he seemed to know his stuff on how to make a girl feel good he's an attractive guy and really intriguing I'm sure he's been with a lot of girls, wait that's beside the point i shouldn't be thinking about how Eli is in bed or how many girls have been in Eli's bed. I'm obviously ready for that kind of intimacy so the first time I had sex was a fluke, nothing to do with K.C just first time jitters letting the nerves ruin it and now I'm letting the bad experience put doubt on my and K.C's physical connection causing me not want to be intimate with him again. I'm attributing the feelings to him and not the nerves. How could I let myself doubt our love I'm sure the next time we do it will be even more amazing then last night with Eli. Happy to have finally calmed myself and figured everything out I head to my first class when I feel a presence behind me

"Well hello Clare I missed you this morning I was really hoping to wake up to those beautiful blue eyes, but it seems you escaped on me and how did you enjoy your walk at such a late hour" I heard Eli's voice behind me coated in his usual sarcasm

"shut up Eli" I said my voice tight turning to face him for the first time since last night

"woah calm down I'm joking but seriously you shouldn't have left like that you could have gotten hurt or worse at that time of night or well morning" I'm taken aback a bit by the concern in his voice I can tell he was serious I suppose he does care as much as he claims

"don't worry it won't happen again" I said harsher than I meant to before turning to leave but he grabbed my arm and stopped me

"did I do something wrong? I thought Last night was incredible until you made your unannounced exit in the middle of the night?" he asked raising his eyebrow questionably, time to clear things up I suppose

"Eli look it's not you last night was wrong I have a boyfriend we shouldn't have had sex it was a mistake so just add my name to your conquests but please keep it to yourself I don't want anyone finding out especially not my boyfriend" I said seriously staring straight in his eyes

"is that really what you think last night was? Clare just sex? I didn't just have have sex with you I made love to you there's a difference I wouldn't treat a conquest that way" he used air quotes when saying conquest "not that I have any, I'm not like that I've only been with one other girl and I loved her I don't have casual sex" his voice was mixed with hurt and anger I wasn't sure how to respond he just said he loved me and I had basically assumed him to be a player he just stared into my eyes never breaking the intense contact waiting for a response

"Eli I have a boyfriend" I said softly looking down

"Clare he doesn't love you like I do I promise you that and you don't love him I can see it I'll give you everything I have to give, does he do that or does he just make time when he's not with his friends or oesn't have Jenna trailing him like a lovesick puppy" it was a statement not a question

I really didn't know how to respond, K.C certainly hasn't been the best boyfriend recently we only see each other when it's convenient for him and he hasn't been doing anything to make me feel special like he used to am I being blind is Eli right? It can't be all couples go through hard times I love him and he loves me not Jenna, but still Eli's words are enough to put doubt back in my mind. I just continue standing silently with my head down looking at the tile floor like it was an amazing thing, I feel Eli lift my head gently and meet his gaze and suddenly realize I feel something when I look into his eyes as much as I want to deny it I can't at least not to myself anymore

"look Clare I want you, it's like a burning inside of me I'm broken from my past, I'm only half of who I used to be and because of that I've always run away but you give me a reason not to you make me want to stay You can have what's left of me I'll give you all of it I mean that, when you realize I love you more than he I'll be here but until then I'm backing off balls in your court" his tone was gentle and sincere he had such a loving look in his eyes

I didn't respond just watched him begin to walk away and I couldn't help but feel something strange I wanted him to come back and I did something that I never would have expected. I chased after him pulling him into a empty classroom attacking his lips passionately with mine, after a few minutes he broke the kiss immediately placing heated kisses all over my neck

"what does this mean" he asked between kisses lifting me onto a desk wrapping my legs around his waist

"I don't know but this has to stay between us I'm not breaking up with K.C you have to understand that. No one can find out about whatever this is" I say breathlessly before moaning at the feeling of his lips getting as close to my breast as my shirt would allow gently sucking the skin

He kisses his way up to my earlobe nipping it gently "anything" he whispers seductively

"mmm Eli as much as I'm enjoying this we need to stop class is going to start soon and someone could walk in" I pant wishing we didn't have to stop I hear him growl but he stops like I asked

"later? My house?" he questions

"I can't wait" I say as seductively as I can he smirks in response helping me off the desk before we walk out careful not to be noticed

After we go our separate ways I can't help but think about the last 24 hours not only did I cheat on my boyfriend last night I just agreed to have a full blown affair but why? Why did I chase after Eli and make this suggestion why was it so hard to watch him walk away confused doesn't even begin to describe my feelings I'm walking a dangerous line and I can't help but think I'll eventually lose my balance.


	3. Chapter 3

**DING! DING! DING!**

The final bell of the day goes off at last school is over. It's been impossible to concentrate all day. I've been driving myself crazy over K.C and Eli it should be simple really either be with K.C and leave Eli alone or break up with K.C and explore Eli but here I am no plans to break up with K.C and full intentions on going to Eli's house tonight and doing things grade 9 Clare would never consider, the sinful thoughts alone would be enough to make her cringe I probably would have had some pretty nasty things to say about myself if I were the same girl, not that I don't know how wrong it is now because I darn well know it's wrong I haven't lost all moral thoughts but Eli makes me not care.

The boy drives me crazy, I was able to deny it for months to everyone including myself. Endless excuses for the inappropriate thoughts that kept me up all night doing things that weren't in anyway pure although I'd never admit to. After all my lustful thoughts becoming reality last night there is no way to deny it I can't help but want more of Eli he's like a drug his touch ignited a fire inside of me that can't be put out, I told myself I could act like it never happened even this morning I was convinced I could go on never feeling the intimate touch of his hands on my body again, I would be happy with K.C being completely faithful to him but this morning watching Eli walk away I realized just how wrong I was I couldn't prevent myself from going after him. One night, is all it took and I'm addicted to Eli Goldsworthy cation to the wind and everything I've ever believed in irrelevant

As much as I crave Eli in such a primal way, I'm not going to give him a commitment or make him my boyfriend it's strictly physical, K.C is the kind of guy you bring home to your parents, he's a prize to be won. Smart, attractive, respectful star athlete goals and ambition he's going somewhere in life exactly what my parents want for their little girl. Eli however is not, he is smart and ambitious with goals and as far as attractiveness he's definitely got that but he's also dark he sometimes can't control himself he gets lost in emotion and it can cause him to act irrationally which isn't exactly stable and it also has me wondering why I'm willing to get involved in hurricane Eli at all.

Not that what my parents think should matter why would I care about my parents approval they divorced my grade 10 year after pounding in my head that marriage is forever and divorce is a sin. Had they not divorced I'd probably still be a virgin saving myself for my wedding night definitely not in this situation. After their divorce my virginity still meant a lot to me which is why I waited so long to give it to K.C and I do still want my parents approval I just didn't think it was necessary to wait for marriage to have sex anymore it obviously doesn't guarantee forever with someone. I can't figure out why I'm okay with having sex with Eli just for reason of wanting sex. I don't take sex with someone lightly like some girls do if you asked me yesterday morning I'd tell you I'd never have sex outside of a committed relationship with someone I loved I especially wouldn't have sex with someone other than my boyfriend that's cheating but here I am on my way to Eli's to cheat on my boyfriend again with no remorse.

 **KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

I patiently wait at the front door of Eli's house for him to answer after a few moments someone answers but it's not Eli it's Cece, his mom she's a sweet women but sassy and she has absolutely no filter she's basically as blunt as they come aside from Eli's dad bullfrog. I have really good relationship with his parents but I was really hoping no one would be home considering we aren't having our typical study session not that they would care I'm sure they'd approve.

"Clare! Good to see you again baby doll Eli's up in his room go ahead up" Cece says sweetly giving me a hug

I smile returning her hug before making my way up the stairs to Eli's room for the second time in the past 24 hours to do the unthinkable I knock on his door suddenly feeling nervous he quickly answers taking me completely by surprise Instantly picking me up, carrying me to his bed throwing me down and climbing on top of me attacking my lips my nerves are long gone as his body Presses on mine I'm shocked to find he's already really hard knowing how bad he wants me has me completely aroused.

He starts removing my clothes hurriedly and then his own just as fast never breaking contact between us we were completely naked in less than a minute not a word spoken to each other but we didn't need to we knew what was about to happen. He spreads my legs wide open and I can feel his erection rubbing against me making me wet the anticipation of what I'm about to feel is accelerating, he hungrily sucks on my breast occasionally biting and I whimper in pleasure he has an effect on me that I can't understand every touch from him is like heaven.

"Eli ahh yesss!" I scream loudly as he thrusts himself deep inside me without warning his body fitting perfectly in mine like I was made for him he doesn't waste anytime pounding in and out of me relentlessly every movement is pure bliss I can't get enough of him I have a feeling it's mutual

"You're so fucking tight and wet for me you like it when I fuck you don't you" he growled kissing and nipping every part of my body he could reach the animalistic sound of his voice mixed with his vulgar words that would normally alarm me turned me on more than I ever would have expected

"yes mmm Eli faster you feel so good inside me" I moaned he obeyed my request the pleasure was intense I scratched from his shoulders all the way down his back hard enough to break the skin causing him to bleed

"dirty talk turns you on huh saint Clare?" he questioned his voice low trying keep his words clear while continuing in his pace enjoying the pleasure I was giving him I couldn't believe he was being his usual sarcastic self right now but none the less I nodded unable to speak coherently at this point.

He brought his lips down to my ear nipping it lightly before whispering "you want me to tell you how good your pussy feels around my hard dick I'd fuck your tight pussy all day if you'd let me"

I arched my back using my legs to pull him in deeper I wanted as much of him as possible I knew this would only later feed his already insane ego but his words had pushed me dangerously close to my end so I wasn't going to worry about that now he can have as big of an ego as he wants as long as he doesn't stop. Moans and whimpers were escaping my lips nonstop I bit his shoulder in an attempt to keep quiet I'm positive his mom has heard but I'm not in the position to care. He lifted one of my legs up holding it up High as he could by my ankle it allowed him to go deeper than ever before hitting the same spot he had last night on harder he reached his hand between us rubbing my clit and it was over for me, I had the best orgasm of my life I could feel my whole body shake from adrenaline and ecstasy I screamed his name so loud people down the block probably heard. Clear liquid soaked Eli running down his dick I could hear the sound of water hitting him his bed was completely drenched from the eruption had I not been in complete euphoria I probably would have been embarrassed I've touched myself plenty of times but this never happened before.

"fuck you didn't tell me you squirt that is so fucking sexy" he grunted in shock and pleasure as he went faster and harder I felt like he was trying to break me, he put my leg back down and gripped my hips like a vice pounding me with everything he had while roughly pulling me down against him to meet his powerful thrusts I was so wet by that point there was no friction letting him glide in and out with ease if it wasn't for that I'm almost positive this would hurt bad

"I'm gonna cum" he growled burying his head into my neck while he continue making some of the sexiest noises I've ever heard knowing he was pleasuring himself with my body was so erotic I wanted to feel the pleasure my body had given him.

"Eli I want you to cum in me mmm" I moaned seductively what was I thinking? Oh yeah I wasn't. I'm on birth control that isn't 100 percent so this probably wasn't the best decision but something in me want to experience it.

Immediately after the words fell from my lips I felt Eli push deep inside me holding himself there as he released filling me up, shaking in bliss I moaned in response it was warm feeling in me it felt different than what came out of me minutes ago it was the first time I've ever felt a guy cum in me and in a strange way I really liked it and knowing I had got him off was a powerful feeling. Eli held himself over me catching his breath before pulling out and when he did I realized Just how messy sex can he pulled out I felt both of our fluids flow out of me and down my thighs it was just a dribble it was a gush my legs were covered in it along with his sheets and it was not an enjoyable feeling.

"you can take a shower if you want it seems things got a little messy" Eli said with a smirk proud of himself, still leaning over me

"that sounds great, but your mom won't care will she?" I asked sitting up a slight blush on my face knowing she heard us

"Clare you know my mom so I don't even need to answer that now do I? just go I'll change the sheets I'm pretty sure no one wants to lay in that" he said quirking an eyebrow before helping me up out of the bed

I took a quick shower, getting out wrapping a towel around me I began walking back to Eli's room I hadn't realized how sore I was from our encounter until my way back I'm shocked by how different he was tonight than last night. Last night he was sensual tonight he was so primal not that I'm complaining, I open the door and walking in Eli's room noticing him laying on his bed with newly changed sheets staring at the ceiling when he hear my he turns his head to look at me.

"we really did make a mess I had to flip the mattress I didn't realize the effect I had on you" he said flirtatiously with a chuckle

"yeah sorry about that I've never done that before I don't know what happened" the embarrassment now hitting me, as I walked over to his end of his bed

"don't be sorry please do that every time that's probably the sexiest thing I've ever experienced I love knowing I can do that to you" he said sincerely pulling me into his arms laying back on the bed with me on top of him

"I should probably get dressed it's getting late" he looked upset I didn't necessarily want to leave but it seemed like the thing to do

"stay with me, it's Friday anyway your mom won't care and mine would probably be pissed if you left after what she heard and then I'd have to listen to her rant about how she taught me better than that, what else could you possibly have to do" he said kissing my neck sweetly Making me giggle at the feeling

"what about K.C?" coming back to reality that I have a boyfriend and it's not Eli

"I'm sure he's out with his dumb jock friends and groupie sluts as usual he'll never notice" he whispered in my ear laying me down beside him before leaning over me giving me puppy dog eyes that there was no way I could resist

"okay but at least let me get dressed" I agree against my better judgement knowing staying the night is a couple thing not a casual thing but it couldn't hurt right?

Eli gave me a shirt and pajamas bottoms to wear and he wore the same. We stayed up most of the night watching movies and playing video games it was the best night I've had in a long time as causal as it was being with Eli was natural we connected conversation happened easy we didn't have to try, it was a nice change from the forced moments K.C and I have recently but I was finding it hard to draw the line are we aloud to kiss or other than sex are we supposed to keep it strictly friend like? I decided to fight the urge and keep it strictly friendly he seemed to follow my lead. Around 2am I checked my phone I hadn't even realized how late it was K.C never bothered to call or text me not once oddly enough it didn't hurt it was nice not to be waiting by the phone for him hoping he'd make an effort to talk to me like I normally would have done. I'm starting to think Eli might be right about our relationship K.C and I certainly don't act like we're in love anymore it's more like we're together for show forcing ourselves to believe differently.

We climb in Eli's bed deciding it was time for sleep I feel him wrap his arms securely around pulling me in close, my head resting on his chest listening to his heartbeat while he plays lovingly with my hair. I have to say this is a nice feeling to be held like this I feel so protected and loved? I can't remember the last time my boyfriend had made me feel so Special. Eli is defiantly my best friend besides Allie but I'm starting to Think what we have is more than friendship and more than physical Much much more. I decide right now that if I start to get in too deep I'll end it no matter how hard that may be this was never meant for more it wouldn't work out. After making the decision I fall into a deep sleep enjoying the moment for what it is not knowing how long this will last.

The next morning my eyes fluttered open taking in the view of Eli's dark bedroom light peeking in through the window shades and his scent surrounding me. I feel his arms still tightly around me, I prefer this experience over my previous ones after sex, my first and only time with K.C I had to go home soon after and obviously the last time with Eli ended with me leaving in the early hours of the morning unannounced. Truth is this is the first time I've actually spent the night with a guy and well it feels nice I could get used to this feeling, I roll over slow and cautiously in case Eli is still sleeping when I get a look at him sure enough he's fast asleep.

He looks so peaceful, his chest rising and falling slowly the room was quiet other than the sound of his light breathing and birds chirping from outside. I can't help myself I reach out and stroke his hair gently it's so soft against my fingers I continue running my fingers through his hair and after a few minutes his eyes slowly open looking up at me look down and I'm met with with his mesmerizing green orbs they are by far his best feature I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful green.

"good morning beautiful how long have you been staring at me while I sleep?" his voice still rough from sleep but it wasn't to early for his smirk or sarcasm to make an appearance.

"I was not staring and how can you be sarcastic not even a minute after waking up" I ask realizing I'm still playing with his hair I stop and pull my hand back blushing

"it's a gift and you didn't have to stop it felt nice" he groans

"well I should probably get going" I begin getting up but he grabs my hand

"why it's early on a Saturday" he questions raising his eyebrows

"um I have to meet K.C he's coming over for a family thing" I say cautiously I notice a upset expression flicker on his face momentarily

"Oh okay well have fun with that" his voice was emotionless I didn't push it I know he has feelings for me he made that clear I also know how he feels about K.C in general

"I'll see you Monday?" I ask changing the topic

"yeah" his flatness was upsetting

I put my clothes on and we say a quick goodbye as if we had just got done hanging out at the dot not like people who had just spent the night together after having sex. I walk out of his room and all I can think about is how awkward that was I knew it was because I was going to meet K.C and it hurt him that I was Leaving him to be with K.C I hated that Eli was upset because of me but this is how it has to be he knew what he was getting into. I was about to walk out the door when Cece stopped me I did not want to have this conversation right now.

"leaving so soon baby girl you guys sounded pretty comfortable last night?" She asked with a wink

"um y-yeah I-I have to meet my boy fr-" I stopped talking blushing immensely realizing what was coming out of my mouth I was sure she had put my word vomit together

"mhm I see don't worry Clare I'm not going to judge you it's your business what you do with Eli, but make sure you guys are being safe the last thing you need is to end up pregnant that would be bad enough but add the possibility of not knowing who the father is and that's chaos. These situations are messy no matter what and they never end well just a word of advice baby girl" she smiled sympathetically.

I nodded then said goodbye to Cece her words played in my head but that would never happen to me we'll be safe and when it gets intense I'll end it before anyone gets hurt I can handle this it's under control I went home and took a shower to wash the scent of Eli off of me before K.C gets here not that he would notice but I wasn't taking the chance after getting dressed I sent K.C a text

Clare- where are you?

K.C- relax Clare I'll be there soon as always my perfect boyfriend charm at your service

I didn't bother replying i knew he'd be here right on time and behave like every parent's dream I do the same thing for him. I've always thought K.C and I would stay together get married start a family eventually it's what we were expected to do. Until the night I spent with Eli I was okay with that I thought what we had was love I was sure of it but now I'm second guessing our we just settling and if we are will we end up like my parents?

The doorbell rings and I know it's K.C I go down stairs and greet him with a hug, it was a simple embrace but it felt different I felt nothing no butterflies no warmness no excitement, I leaned up and kissed him hoping for something but again nothing. I'm just over thinking because of everything with Eli. We make small talk mostly over his upcoming game I should say force small talk because I have absolutely no interest in what he's saying he continues going on until it's time for dinner with my parents I always dread this because even though they're divorced they can't keep themselves from fighting even for our once a month "family time"

At dinner K.C turns on his charm and delivers a wonderful performance going on and on about how much he loves me even I start to buy it, by the end of the night my parents still love him and hate each other they fault at least 5 times during dinner. After dinner K.C leaves immediately to go hang out with his friends not caring if I wanted to spend more time with him it hurt how little he cared. I had full intentions on going home and getting some sleep but my intentions soon changed it was 1am and I hadn't been able sleep. I got online and Eli's name popped up signalling he was also on and I couldn't resist

clare-e23:what are you up to this late mister?

eli-goId49:could ask you the same, where's your wonderful boyfriend?

clare-e23:he left a while ago actually right after dinner

eli-gold49:well isn't he thoughtful. Come over?

I bit my lip considering his offer I would much rather be with Eli but I'm not in the mood for anything sexual.

clare-e23:I'm not in the mood to… Do anything

I anxiously waited for him to reply hoping he'd still want me to come even though I knew I shouldn't

eli-gold49:well in that case… Come over I don't care if we do anything or not Clare I'll be there in 10 minutes

He signed off before I could reply I knew going there just to spend the night with him was a bad idea but I wanted to I was tired of being upset over K.C besides friends have sleepovers all the time. I didn't bother doing anything to get ready I was just going over there to sleep. Eli pulled up 10 minutes later just as he said and I walked out to his car quietly so that I didn't wake my mom.

"just couldn't stay away could you" he asked as I got in the car.

"haha you invited me remember" I quirked an eyebrow at him

"yes I do but you didn't have to agree just admit it you couldn't stand being away from me" he smirked

"could you be more smug" I joked

"absolutely" he said enthusiastically

The ride to his house was quiet but comfortable when we got to his house we quietly walked up to Eli's room laying on his bed. I closed my eyes for some reason the smell of his room was comforting it made me feel relaxed and sleepy, I suddenly felt his warm lips on mine I kissed him back instinctively pulling away after a few moments

"I thought we weren't doing anything?" I asked not sure of his intentions

"we aren't going to have sex Clare I just wanted to kiss you that's okay right?" he raised his eyebrows questionably

I nodded in response I felt his lips slowly caressing mine once again I loved the feeling. It had everything my kiss with K.C lacked. Our kiss turned into a slow passionate make out session the way his hands and lips moved tentatively over body sent chills all over me I Knew we shouldn't be doing these things we agreed to a strictly sexual relationship this was not sexual it was sensual there's a difference. I know how he feels about me I know this means something to him but I can't stop it the feeling he gives me is too good.

We made out for a good hour before drifting off to sleep the same way we did the night before. This is so wrong I'm falling for Eli Goldsworthy slowly but surely I just don't know it yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Three months later:**

"Eli stop it!" I scream laughing hysterically he's tickling me relentlessly.

"take it back" he says playfully laughing himself.

"Okay! Okay! Okay!" That was not mediocre now please stop" I plead through my laughter.

"not mediocre? I need more than that Edwards" Eli replied still ticking me even more intensely.

"it was amazing, astonishing earth shattering the best sex I've ever had no one can ever compare now stop please!" I forced out breathlessly.

"You didn't need to tell me I already know I'm like a god" he joked smirk pulling on his lips finally he stopped tickling ending his torture, I glared playfully at him crossing my arms.

We had just got done one of our late night sexual encounters we've been having every few days over the past three months and they really have been incredible we've grown closer than I thought was possible.

"have I ever told you how adorable you are when you try to pretend you're mad at me?" he joked pulling me into his arms kissing me on my forehead.

"only a few thousand times" I blushed I still haven't figured out how he has this effect on me.

"and yet you blush like it's the first time I love it" he said sweetly.

"stop doing that" I whined.

"doing what" he questioned looking at me with raised eyebrow.

"that thing you do that turns me to mush" I said honestly pouting.

"I'm not doing anything Clare" he said giving me that look the one that makes me want to stay in his arms and never leave.

"yes you are you're looking at me with those eyes" I say playfully.

"well I'm sorry for looking at you Clare you're just so beautiful I can't help but admire you" he leaned in kissing me and it was done we were lost in each other once again and round two began.

The next morning I woke up in Eli's arms knowing I was going to have to do something extremely hard. I was going to end our relationship whatever this relationship is. I had fallen in love with him madly in love with him. But I have K.C he's my boyfriend and has been for almost two years I made him promises and I need to keep them he trusts me and I've already done enough to break that things might not be perfect between us but he doesn't deserve this. I've made up my mind there's no turning back. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do though, Look Eli in the eye and tell him I don't love him a lie harder than the one I've been living for months I can't show emotion when he cries asking me not to. I already know he will he loves me I can't let him see how much he means to me my hands are tied and my heart's not free it's been promised to someone else already Eli and I aren't meant to be but that doesn't mean it's not going to be hard to turn around and walk away pretending I don't love Eli Goldsworthy.

When Eli wakes up I waste no time getting it over with I need to let him move on with his life I have to be cruel to be kind it will make it easier for him if I'm the bad guy. There's no happy ending Cece was right.

"Eli we both know I shouldn't be here" I say keeping my voice from shaking.

"Clare what are you talking about?" he asked confusion written all over his face.

"This is wrong I have K.C we shouldn't be doing this it needs to end" I force the dreaded words out emotionlessly.

"don't do this Clare, why do you keep denying that what you have with him is wrong you deserve so much better stop holding on to him" he says sincerely keeping his words from breaking.

"we promised each other forever Eli he loves me" my voice wanted to tremble but I held it together.

"forever has come and gone for you guys. He'd say anything to keep you blind to the truth written between the lines open your eyes and see what's there!" his voice raised and I could tell the emotions were getting to him.

"that's not true" I felt the tears wanting to fall but I held them back I knew I needed to end this conversation soon.

"Clare I will love you more than that, more than he ever will don't let him keep you lonely because with him you are and that's all it will ever be I know that's how you feel I can see it your eyes I have for months I can make you happy let me make you happy, it's not too late to change your mind, don't say goodbye don't end this Clare It's now or never I can't be friends I love you" his voice cracked and I saw tears fall from his eyes the eyes I had fallen in love with.

"I don't love you Eli I'm sorry" I said with false certainty.

It was a full blown Lie I do love him. Saying that truly was the hardest thing I've ever done but i did it. I walked out of his room and tears ran down my face like a waterfall as soon as the door closed it was really over my heart was broken but it had to be done. We never would have worked out we're to different in time we'll both be happy this was for the best I went home and cried until I had no tears left to cry I heard my phone ring I didn't want to check it but I did anyway it was Adam calling I decided to answer afraid of what he might say.

"hello" I answered my voice weak from crying

"what in the actual fuck Clare! Eli just called me completely devastated and before you ask yes I know everything I have since the beginning but that's not the point. Eli loves you, he LOVES you Clare, more than that idiot boyfriend of yours ever will you do realize rumor has it you aren't the only one in your relationship cheating I'm not trying to be mean but you've made a terrible mistake do you realize that" Adams spoke Sharpe but I understand Eli is his best friend. I couldn't be mad he knew about Eli and me I had told Allie after all.

"I-I-I can't talk right now Adam I'm s-sorry" I hung up quickly.

As soon as I hung up I began sobbing, of course I know the rumors about K.C and Jenna but there's no proof that he's cheating on me. Eli loves me but that doesn't mean we were right for each other we aren't and we never will be he'll see that later and thank me I did what I had to do it was the right thing why is it killing me, This will get better though with Eli out of the picture my relationship with K.C can improve I'll work on it. We haven't had sex since the first time and drifted farther apart maybe that was because I was to wrapped up in sex with Eli and it was making me feel differently about K.C and I pushed him away I did love him with all my heart at one point that means something we can get back to there. That's it Clare positive thinking. I decided to call Allie and have a girls day she knows about Eli so I can talk to her.

"So Clare bear what brings me here urgently on such short notice" Allie asks walking through the door.

"I ended things with Eli" I said softly.

"what! why? He's so much better for you than K.C and you love him Clare" she said on shock.

"We weren't… Aren't right for each other Allie I made a commitment to K.C he's my boyfriend we've been together two years and my parents love him" I told her.

"you have heard about K.C and Jenna right? I'm pretty sure it's true I'm not gonna lecture you Clare but I think this is the wrong choice, Eli looks at you in a way I've never seen before I think he'd give you the stars if he could, but I also think if you do this it will break his heart and he's gonna be a different person and you won't like that" she said concerned.

"what do you Mean?" I was confused by what she was saying.

"I mean he's an emotional guy and if you hurt him I doubt he's gonna be the same sweet guy he was to you before, he's got a dark side you know that I wouldn't want to cross him especially if I were you as much as you deny it you do love him so he can hurt you easily Clare" she looked me right in the eyes her words came out as a warning.

"I don't love him Allie I'm sure Eli and I can act like adults" I said sure of myself although I wasn't sure at all I didn't know if i was trying to convince Allie or myself.

"You can deny your feelings for him all you want Clare but you'll still feel them" she said matter of fact. I didn't reply I wanted to get my mind off of it.

The rest of the day we watched movies did our nails and other stuff girls love to do, it actually kept my mind off Eli. Allie left around 9pm and I decided to get some sleep it was a school night and it was going to be a long day tomorrow I tossed and turned all night before finally falling into a fitful sleep.

 **Beep! Beep! Beep!**

I hit my alarm tiredly morning seems to have come to soon I slept terribly and feel exhausted I was not ready for today I had to face Eli and that was a scary thought, I did my usual morning routine but dressed more comfortable than normal and didn't bother with make up after eating breakfast I left for school my feet felt like weights as I walked in the doors of degrassi I went to my locker getting my books and walking towards my first class doing my best to avoid Eli pointlessly I'd have to see him in English.

I walked passed K.C and all the other jocks I decided to avoid them for now, I didn't feel like dealing with anyone not even my boyfriend, while my attention was on them I accidently ran into someone sending me harshly to the ground I looked up and was met with familiar green eyes stunned I just sat there of all the people to literally run into it was Eli.

"Watch where you're going" he said rudely

"I'm sorry" I said in a whisper

"sure you are, I've heard that before save your breath" his voice was acidic he'd never been this way to me before I could feel tears coming.

"Is there a problem?" I heard K.C chime in I wasn't sure if I was happy he was here or not.

"There is tell your girlfriend to watch where she's going not everyone wants their life disrupted by her mistakes" Eli replied never moving his eyes from mine.

"I'm sure she didn't mean to run into you dude she wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose" K.C said helping me up.

"Is that so, I'm not so sure about that" Eli smirked sadistically before walking off.

"What was that about Clare are you okay I thought you guys were cool?" K.C asked genuinely

"We just had a disagreement and it didn't end so well I'm fine he doesn't matter" I smiled forcefully.

"I'll walk you to class" he smiled putting an arm Around me.

K.C walked me to class I was happy to see this side of him I needed it today this is the boy I fell in love with, I could only be so happy though I'd never seen Eli act that way at least not towards me it hurt and was honestly a bit scary Allie was right yesterday I don't like this side of him. Classes seemed to fly by and before I was ready it was time for English not that I'd ever be ready I walked into class to see Eli sitting in his seat I took a deep breath and walked to mine.

"Well if isn't the clutz watch where you're going from now on" he spat at me.

"look I know you're hurt but you don't have to be mean" I said shyly he let out a dark laugh.

"Oh Clare I'm not being mean I promise, you wouldn't want that" his voice was dark and cold.

I didn't reply he was being so malicious, how can this be the same boy that told me he loved me yesterday? The same guy that made love to me more times than I can count, the guy that held me while I cried and promised he'd never make me feel that way, but here he is killing me I guess it's pay back and I deserve it I suppose but that doesn't mean I can take it. I ran out of class not looking back I couldn't stay there and look at him. I love him even though I told him I didn't and now he hates me I knew this was going to be hard but I'm not sure if I'm prepared for what's to come.


	5. Chapter 5

_**6 weeks later:**_

It's been 6 weeks now that Eli and I ended whatever it was that we had it has gotten easier but that's mostly because I've seen what a jerk he can be he finds any reason possible to be rude to me his presence anymore is nothing but menacing I can't love someone like that, whatever comfort I had in him is gone not that it matters anyway he seems to have taken a liking to Imogen Moreno I don't think they're together but I'm positive they are having relations beyond friendship she's probably over the moon about it she has been trying to get him since the first day he stepped foot in degrassi she's a quite stalker she can recite a biography on Eli and no I'm not jealous she can have him I have a boyfriend.

Things with K.C have gotten better I think we might actually be back on track emotionally and physically, we've been spending time together and even had sex a few times the sex isn't as good as it was with Eli but I'm not going to complain, this is what I wanted from the beginning my relationship working. Prom is tonight and I can't wait to spend t with him and my friends it's going to be perfect! Not only do I get to enjoy a magnificent night with my boyfriend, it marks the ending of Eli's senior year at degrassi, after summer he'll be in new york no longer plaguing my life.

Allie and I spent the whole day preparing getting our hair done pedicure, manicure you name it we did it. I wasn't going to let anything ruin today. Our dresses look like something out of a movie. My dress is dark red even with my heels it touches the floor it has a sweetheart neckline with gems on the front. Allie's dress is a pale pink thigh length with a deeper neckline covered in sparkles it's bit more risky than mine. We both wore simple elegant jewelry creating the perfect look for tonight.

K.C and Drew show up in a classic black limo. Drew is Allie's date they are the on again off again couple at degrassi stirring up conversation among everyone. I can't figure out if they love each other or the rush they give each each other by being unpredictable I try to stay out of it. The boys greet us at the door telling us how stunning we look before we get in the limo. We arrive at prom and it's exquisite the theme is a night in paris and they did an astonishing job sparkly lights and ravishing flowers everywhere it smells like walking through a garden in the spring.

The night has been spectacular from the moment we arrived K.C and I are currently having a rather intense makeout session in the corner we are basically dry humping for everyone to see not that I'm paying attention to anything except my boyfriends touch it's prom why not, tonight isn't about thinking it's about the romantics. I break the kiss for air and he moves his lips to my neck kissing heatedly. I open my eyes bringing me out of the moment as I do I notice a familiar face watching us like a hawk, that person is no other than Eli, our eyes met and he stared me down rage radiated off of him if looks could kill I'd be done his gaze was enough to make me uncomfortable and no longer in the mood for K.C's advances.

" _K.C stop"_

"come on Clare lighten up, let's just take this somewhere more private, I want you baby so bad" he replies in between kisses his hands making their way to my breast.

" _I'm not in the mood, stop means stop"_ I say harshly pushing him off with force i was probably being excessive but I couldn't get the look in Eli's eyes out of my head.

"Whatever you're ridiculous" he said storming away

When I look back to where Eli was previously standing he was nowhere to be found, I'm upset over K.C but I decide to go find Allie. I'll find K.C later we both need to cool off, I find Allie and she convinces me what happened was no big deal and not to be concerned over Eli. After about an hour I've calmed down so I go searching for my boyfriend. Finding him is proving to be a challenge, I've looked nearly everywhere in the school no sign of him anywhere. As a last resort I walk out to check the limo maybe he got tired or something as I reach my destination I can see fogged up windows and rocking, I brace myself afraid of what I'm about to intrude upon taking a deep breath I open the door and my fear is reality.

What I find is my boyfriend naked on top of an also naked Jenna Middleton am I surprised? Honestly no but it forces me out of the denial I've been in for months all this time he's been cheating. I asked myself can I really be mad at him? I was doing the same thing a month ago and broke it off only because I fell for my lover. In this moment however I don't care if I'm being a hypocrite I'm heartbroken.

" _Having fun"_ I ask my voice trembling tears hitting my cheeks.

"Clare I can explain-"

I don't bother standing there another minute listening to his excuses I can't look at them I run off into the darkness, I feel so betrayed, tonight couldn't get any worse so much for perfect.I stop running to catch my breath once I feel I've made a good distance away from that stupid limo. A voice I know like the back of my hand suddenly speaks up and apparently I was wrong when night I said the night couldn't get worse.

Look what we have here it's the whore I figured you'd be naked in the back of a car getting fucked by now" Eli's voice spoke cynically

His words hit me hard for many reasons I turned to face him tears still rolling down my face.

" _shut up Eli I don't need this right now"_ I spoke making my voice strong even though I was feeling Everything but.

"feisty tonight are we? I like it. how about we have fun like old times"

Is he being serious? He can't be, even if he is he's been a complete and total asshole to me for a month. why would I let him touch me ever again?

I don't know what came over me but I attack him and not in the way you're thinking, It was sexual. My lips are on his like my life depended on it and he's returning the gesture to my surprise. I guess he was serious, maybe he's not over me, maybe we could work things out?

" _Let's go to your house I want you"_ I pant as he's kissing my neck

"what about your boyfriend" he asked confused but continuing his work on my neck

" _he's doing the same thing"_ I respond breathless not wanting to ruin this moment with details.

I'm assuming he knew what I meant though because he doesn't say another word. We go to Eli's house stumbling inside like a drunken couple in heart never taking our hands off one another we embrace in the way we are more than familiar with we touched like we haven't in a month, a month that felt more like a lifetime I was loving the feeling of him on my body just as I always have but it was different. It didn't feel the same I felt like a cheap whore instead of a lover but that didn't stop me.

Tonight I needed this I needed Eli to numb the pain like a drug, he was my drug of choice. I will deal with the consequences in the morning.

 _The next morning:_

I wake up in a setting I've experienced too many times to count, naked in Eli's bed his scent surrounding me at first I feel at peace but then I notice a distinct difference. Eli isn't lying next to me it may not seem like a big deal to other people but many nights we've spent together and there was not a single morning I woke up without his arms around me whether he was awake or asleep he held me until I woke up so this immediately causes me concern.

Last night I realized that I want Eli, I don't care about impressing my parents or anyone else, I don't care if he's been terrible to me for the past month I hurt him I know that he never would have treated me that way had I not, he's a guarded person and he let me in only to be rejected and what if we are polar opposites, like darkness needs light I need Eli and maybe our differences are what makes what we have so significant. What I know is I'm in love with Eli goldsworthy.

"you're up?" Eli asks walking into his room dressed and drying his hair with a towel.

" _ah yeah I just woke up"_ I say uncomfortably If him not being in bed this morning wasn't enough to know something's off this certainly is.

"well you should probably get going I have stuff to do" he says nonchalantly.

This is unlike him he's always wanted me to stay the next day now I know something's not right. I really thought after last night we'd work things out be friends maybe even more I want so much more.

" _okay I just thought-"_ he cut me off with a dark laugh

"Thought what Clare? I'd go back to being the other guy? Your puppy? Or maybe we'd be together now that you figured out the truth about your lovely boyfriend, that I was right he doesn't love you I don't think so you had your chance and you made your choice" he spoke coldly staring me right in the eyes I wonder if he can see how much he's killing me.

" _Then why did you have sex with me last night?"_ I ask my voice cracking tears slowly making themselves known.

"Maybe I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me or maybe I just wanted you one more time to prove how easy you are. I don't know the answer but we will never be together after what you did to me I loved you and you walked out for him, never mind that doesn't matter anymore, leave"

The way he spoke was like we were having a casual conversation about the weather I couldn't believe it, if his motive was getting me back he certainly did. I get out of his bed throwing my clothes on with lightning speed never speaking another word afraid if I do I won't be able to prevent myself from hyperventilating I'm sure he'd love that. Once I'm dressed I hurry down the stairs not looking back at Eli I couldn't bare to see his face after what he said, but I don't make it out of the front door.

"Clare, baby girl calm down" Cece's voice appearing from the doorway rushing over taking me in her arms.

" _I-I need t-to g-go"_ I choke out not sure if she can even understand me.

I pull away to go towards the door but suddenly I'm overcome by dizziness and then everything becomes a blur fading out slowly, I faintly hear Cece yell for Eli before I'm overcome by darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's note- I fixed a few mistakes in the previous chapter, and added a bit since it was originally posted I felt like it was lacking a some important details mostly towards the end so if you haven't done so yet please check it out before continuing also I'm not using a beta in this story so i'm sorry for any error bare with me. Without further ado thanks for reading and enjoy_

I feel completely disoriented; the last thing I remember is telling Cece I needed to leave after my confrontation with Eli. I open my eyes to get a better idea of what's going on, I'm lying on the Goldsworthy's couch. I must have passed out before I was able to leave; that's just lonely I would rather pass out on the street than here. The worst part is I have no clue as to why I passed out, I was upset but that doesn't explain the sudden dizziness I'm a little uneasy over the situation but I'm not going to think too far into it. I notice Cece immediately worry obvious on her face but, I'm flabbergasted by the other presence I find peering at me with concerned eyes, does he care? No he couldn't after what Eli said this morning there is no way.

"Clare; you're up! What happened?" Cece asked hastily.

" _I was hoping you could tell me"_ I reply jokingly.

Really Clare; how is this situation at all funny? You just went unconscious for no damn reason" Eli cut in his voice serious.

" _calm down Eli"_ I give him a look of confusion over his sudden change in personality from this morning to now.

"Well excuse me for not finding the humor in this situation." Eli said sarcastically

"I think you both should calm down. Unless we want to have a repeat of what just happened." Cece added however we both knew by the tone of her voice she wasn't asking she was telling.

" _How long was I out for?"_

"Only about 10 minutes. How are you feeling now?"

" _I'm fine; I just got really dizzy."_

"You should probably see a doctor to make sure you're okay baby girl" Cece said compassionately as she rubbed my back.

" _I don't think that's necessary, really I'm sure I'm fine."_

"seriously! You're fine because the last I checked people who are "fine" don't randomly drop like that" I could tell he was annoyed by the tone of voice he was using and the condescending look on his face.

" _I'll go if it happens again"_

Cece nodded and Eli shook his head patronizingly but left the topic alone. I'm not sure if I should ask Eli about the sudden concern over my well being or if I should let it go, I don't want to have another altercation with him but it would be impossible for me to stop wondering. I'm going to ask; what's the worst that could happen? Cece walked out of the room leaving us alone and I somehow work up the nerve to speak.

" _Eli"_ I say cautiously.

"Yeah?" he looks at me raising his eyebrows curiously.

" _Why were you so concerned over what happened after everything I just, I need to know"_ I look to the ground not wanting to meet his eyes.

"Clare" he sighed "I could never not care about you or not worry if you're hurt; I'll always protect you as crazy as that may seem considering how I've acted lately, but that doesn't change anything I said this morning about us. I can't let you in again" his voice was soft and genuine.

These words hurt; they hurt worse than the vicious ones he spoke earlier, not because they are Mean but because I can see the hurt I've caused him. He's not the monster I was facing this morning far from it; Eli Goldsworthy is an extraordinary person he has the ability to love deeply, more deeply than anyone I've ever known he embraces it putting in everything he has risking it all. When he loves someone he makes them feel like they are most valuable thing in existence, I should know I had the privilege to that experience that but I took it for granted. I saw his love as something disposable. I broke him I turned him into the monster I've been seeing; he's just protecting the heart I crushed like it was nothing, the heart I've come to realize is everything.

I nod giving him a sad smile walking towards the front door; we both know where we stand but that's not enough I owe him so much more. He needs to hear it from me that I know what I did was a mistake.

" _Eli, I'm sorry for everything you deserved so much more than what I gave you; all this time I had thought you needed me I underestimated you and your strength I took you for granted not knowing at the time it was me who needed you"_ my voice was heartfelt I smiled sadly again before walking out.

I'm not sure If I'll ever be able to gain his trust back, I walk home crying silently; not over my boyfriend cheating on me last night or the end of my relationship none of that matters I'm crying because I lost the only real love I've ever known Eli's.

It's not that I can't live without him but I don't want to. It's the worst feeling knowing if I wasn't such a fool worrying about pleasing my parents and everyone else with my lie of a relationship that meant nothing I'd be in Eli's loving arms right now calling him mine. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him; if there was anything that would get me back into his heart I'd do it without hesitation. I wish he'd let me prove my love for him is real and maybe I could make him feel the way I feel I'd give the word for that; just one more chance, but that's never going to happen.

One week later:

I've spent the last week in my bed, school is out so I've had no reason to get out; unless I'm going to the bathroom I'm not going anywhere. I have ignored everyone I don't want to associate with anything outside these four walls unless it's Eli. I never thought I'd end up here when I started things with Eli all those months ago; I thought I could control this I thought I was stronger than him, I was wrong so wrong , the 6 weeks we didn't talk before prom I was living in denial now that I don't have that luxury losing him can only be described as my whole world crumbling, burning, shattering before my eyes and there is not one thing I can do to stop it. Eli leaves for New York tomorrow a small part of me held hope that he would come see me before he left but with the date so close I've given that up who knows how if I'll ever see him again.

As I'm lying in my bed eating ice cream, hair a mess watching the notebook I can't help but think how cliche this is I'm startled by a knock at the door, I swear if it's Allie again I'm going to lose it how many times do I have to tell that girl I don't care how unhealthy this is.

" _GO AWAY ALLIE!"_ I yell rudely.

The door cracks open, astounded by the mesmerizing Forest green eyes I see peeking in at me. Those are the eyes I've been craving to look into for a week like a drug addict going through withdrawal. Remembering what I must look like right now I have to admit I regret letting myself get to this point, maybe I should have listened to Allie.

" drowning your sorrows in ice cream and romantic movies while wallowing in self pity how cliche of you Clare I expected so much more from you." Eli joked dawning that smirk of his as he walks into my room.

" _walking in someone's room when they say go away then making fun of them how polite."_ I shoot back.

"Don't act like you're not happy to see me Edwards, I can see the way you're lookin at me."

" _oh really. And how exactly am I looking at you"_ I ask playfully crossing my arms.

"like you want to rip my clothes off and jump my bones." he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively before walking over to my bed.

" _I am not!"_

"Just admit it, no need to be embarrassed I have that effect on women."

" _could you be more smug?"_

"absolutely "

I rolled my eyes and let out a giggle I love our moments like this playful banter, it all seems so simple like before things got all messed up.

" _So if you're done being full of yourself what brings you here uninvited?" I ask._

"ouch! That hurts I really feel the love Clare." he joked putting his hand to his chest mocking hurt.

" _can you go five seconds without goofing off?"_ I say shaking my head.

"of course I just chose not to but if you insist I'm here to talk to you."

" _wow so much detail."_ I reply sarcastically.

"Now who can't be serious?" he responds quirking an eyebrow so I stick my tongue out playfully at him.

" _Okay, okay; what do you want to to talk about?"_ I say seriously.

I can see the hesitation in his face as he thinks of what he's about to say and the sudden change in the vibe he's giving off has me on Edge.

"I've done a lot of thinking the past few weeks as much as you hurt me and I tried to give up on you I can't, I don't want anyone or anything more than I want you. I was kind of hoping we could try and put everything in the past and see if this can go anywhere you know us slowly of course I don't want to rush anything but only if you want to." he says apprehensively.

" _I can't think of anything I want more"_ I smile still in disbelief of what he's saying.

"You have to be serious about this even though we aren't together right now and I'm going to New York I need you to be all in no other guys no games. It needs to be all or nothing I can't handle going through this again" he says taking a breath anxiously looking down

I lift his chin up so our eyes meet putting a hand on each side of his face " _You have all of me"_ I say staring in his eyes intently

We kiss passionately and it soon takes over us clothes are lost and we make love like the world is ending. Eli spent the night holding me close the whole time, we aren't together but things are certainly looking up.

I suddenly awaken out of my peaceful slumber feeling like I just got off a carnival ride the nauseous feeling was unbelievable I wasn't sure if I could make it to the bathroom bathroom. I rush to the bathroom as fast as I can throwing up violently as soon as I reach the toilet, the room is spinning recklessly or it is to me the feeling making me throw up again, I feel my hair being pulled out of my face and a hand rubbing my back soothingly.

"What's wrong?" I hear Eli's voice ask lightly

" _I'm really dizzy and nauseous"_ I reply before going back into another vomiting fit

Finally after a half hour that went by in a agonizingly slow speed I'm no longer throwing up, Eli helps me to my bed I lay comfortably on his chest listening to his heartbeat while he rubs my head gently putting me to sleep.

"Clare"

Eli's voice rings in my ears pulling me out of sleep.

" _what's wrong?"_ I ask groggily

"I have to leave, I didn't want to go without making sure you're okay. You looked terrible no offense."

" _I'll be okay I'm sure it's just a bug"_ I say trying to calm Eli down I don't want him worried

"Okay. Promise you me you'll go to the Doctor though this along with what happened at my house bothers me" he looked worried

" _I promise"_

Eli and I shared a long sweet goodbye before he left. now I just want to sleep this off if I didn't feel so terrible I'd be crying over him leaving but if I did that I'd probably pass out once I lay my head on my pillow instantly fall into a deep sleep **.**

 **The next day:**

Thank god I felt better when I woke up this morning but my relief was short lived. My mom asked me if I needed tampons and I came to the realization I can't remember getting my period; I don't track it because I'm irregular so I'm usually not concerned when it comes but once it was brought to my attention that I haven't had it at all I was alarmed.

Right now I'm on my way to the drug store my emotions are everywhere; if I am pregnant the father has to be K.C the sex with Eli was to recent and I'm pretty sure I had my period after I broke things off with him originally if I hadn't I would have noticed right? I pull into the store and head inside reaching the isle with the pregnancy tests. I'm overwhelmed by the situation and all these options staring me down is certainly not helping. I grab the classic first response test that will read a plus sign if I am indeed pregnant I walk over to check out and this girl is giving me the most disgusted look… Wait a Minute I know this girl it's Imogen just wonderful. We don't exchange words I pay her and quickly leave.

I just arrived home and I'm going straight for the bathroom I cannot wait another moment to figure out my fate. I open the boxing and read the directions hurriedly they are simple enough pee on the stick lay it flat and wait; I pee on it lay it down just as it says but watch it never removing my gaze; I know they say wait two minutes but I can't look away. Instantly a line shows up the test said it is a control line indicating the test is indeed working. In less than a minute a second line shows up followed by another that last line is

…

It's a plus sign. **I'm pregnant.**


	7. Chapter 7

It's a plus sign. **I'm pregnant.**

In the bathroom standing, staring at this test like it's some sick joke; it doesn't seem real, I expected tears or maybe to freak out but I'm emotionless perhaps I'm in shock. I am 16 years old I can't have a baby, I'm in high school how can I be someone's mother? Am I even old enough to be pregnant? Apparently this test says I am but it surely doesn't feel that way. Then something else occurs to me

Oh god; who's the father.

My eyes widen at the thought and air gets caught in my throat; Cece's words I had long forgotten instantly shooting back to my memory. It feels surreal how right she was; I should have listened but, I decided to ignore her warning like a typical teenager I thought I was invincible. I remember thinking "that won't happen to me" yet here I sit in the position she predicted; the webs we weave; I say to myself shaking my head at my own stupidity. Just as I think this couldn't get worse it does.

Eli and I just agreed to work on things; How can I tell him I'm pregnant. As if that wouldn't be awful enough adding that I think there is a good chance it's not his baby would certainly be earth shattering. I've put him through enough I can't expect him to be there if he's not the father.

What if he is the father? What will my parents say? What will the whole entire school say! As far as everyone knows aside from Allie and Adam I have been with K.C faithfully for nearly two years until the discovery of his infidelity at prom; if the truth of my relationship with Eli were to come out that would cause enough controversy but if I'm carrying his baby and that gets out my whole reputation will be ruined by such a scandal.

If that isn't overwhelming enough the option of K.C being the father isn't exactly ideal either; sure I'd keep my reputation for the most part but, he's not father of the year material all he cares about is himself, football,basketball having sex with Jenna and of course his popularity he's certainly not going to welcome a baby into his life that's doesn't benefit him. Of course it doesn't help that if in fact this is his baby not only do I lose Eli I'm connected to K.C for 18 years; no strike that I'm connected to him for the rest of my life.

Regardless I'm fucked there is no good ending to this situation and all I know is I need to figure out who the father is by myself. I'm not going through the embarrassment of having to tell both Eli and K.C that I'm pregnant and that I don't know who's baby I'm carrying which would end up in me getting a DNA test after the baby is born. Everyone would find out what I had done; it would be social suicide.

I can feel myself starting to shake, my breath speeding up rapidly as I come to terms with the monumental situation I've gotten myself in. I take slow steady breaths trying to calm myself tears finally falling for the first time since I read the positive result. My heart is racing i'm completely alone to deal with this; it's too much for me to handle then I thought of something or should I say someone; There is one person who may be able to help me i pick up my phone and dial a familiar number.

"hey Clare, finally decide to stop being miserable over Eli?" Allie's voice answers.

"Eli and I made up but that's not why I'm calling I-I have a big problem Allie" my voice cracking against my will.

"are you okay? Never mind I'll be right over" she says I hear her open a door before hanging up the phone.

I clutch my phone tightly, my head falling to my knees as I suffocate in my thoughts waiting for Allie to get here the one person who I can count on no matter what. It doesn't take her long she arrives in a flash just as I knew she would. She steps into my room cautiously; I look up at her tears in my eyes, I'm sure she can see the devastation in them. Before I have time to blink she takes action running over to me her arms wrapping me in a loving embrace the kind of comfort only a best friend can give. In this moment as bad as everything seems I'm truly grateful for this girl; she has seen me at my highest point and my lowest loving me through the smiles and the tears. I know she's going to do the same thing now without judgement. I look at her noticing the distress on her face; it's filled with fear over what could have me in this distraught start. I take a deep breath preparing to tell her just how bad I've messed up.

"Allie" I sob "I can't believe I'm about to say this, I've messed up so bad" I look her straight in the eyes trembling as I utter the words for the first time "I'm pregnant" her face turns to shock at that confession alone little does she know I'm not finished yet "I don't know who the father is Allie" I say in a whisper her face paled her eyes widened, she looks just as aghast over it as I am. I can see her trying to process the information I just gave her accessing my face for any sign that this is a horrible joke; once she doesn't find any sign of anything other than seriousness and devastation she begins speak.

"Okay, stay calm we can handle this Clare we'll get through this together" her voice was firm but gentle.

"What am I going to do Allie" I look at her with hope that she can tell me what to do.

"that's up to you; do you want to keep that baby?"

"how can I be a mom Allie I'm 16?"

"you have other options" she said carefully

"I can't get an abortion and I'm not sure if I can go through with adoption, how can I grow a life inside me for months and then give him or her away like nothing." I feel more tears coming to my eyes just considering that and suddenly I realize I've already made up my mind "I'm keeping the baby" I tell her with certainty.

"alright, now we just need to figure out who the lucky daddy is" she was trying to lighten the mood but it failed miserably.

We immediately get to work, writing down when I remember having sex with K.C and Eli; one thing that was on my side was there was a decent time period between the times I was intimate with the two. The last time I had sex with Eli other than prom and yesterday of course was two weeks before the first time I had sex with K.C. I should have had a period in between but, I wasn't sure if I gotten it or not; if I didn't the baby could be Eli's if I did it is without a shadow of a doubt K.C who is the father of my baby. We continue going back and forth and end up deciding that sense my symptoms didn't start until recently the baby was most likely K.C's.

"so it's decided then K.C is the baby's father?" Allie says

"That's what makes the most sense" I say my voice low I put my head in my hands letting it set in; I'm having K.C's baby.

"What do you want to do now?" Allie puts her hand on mine comfortingly but it's not much help.

"Eli's going to hate me" is all I can say before I start sobbing again.

Allie pulls me into another hug rubbing up and down my back gently whispering softly to calm down, that everything would be okay as much as I want to believe her I can't it doesn't seem possible that everything could be okay. 24 hours ago Eli was holding me and after this I doubt he's ever going to do that again. That thought feels like a weight crushing me. I know it's unrealistic but I can see my future in his eyes so how can I have one without him. It's like we have this incredible connection, as if we were made to love each other the kind of love you only see in movies never believing it exist until you experience it first hand. I shake my head thinking back to the project that ended in the first time we made love. If only this was a movie; but it's not.

"I should just forget Eli. Not tell him, he doesn't deserve to be dragged into this" I say once I calm down

"Don't you think that's his decision to make?"

"it's not like he'd still want me anyway, I'd rather just end it now and get it over with"

Perhaps Allie is right and I should let him make a decision but I can't handle telling him, I've decided I'm just going to break off contact with him; he's in New York at NYU he'll never know. It'll be easier this way.

"Well what about K.C?"

"might as well get it over with right?" I say picking up my phone. Allie gives me a look of shock as I dial his number on my phone.

"Hello?" K.C answers seemingly surprised I'm calling him.

"I have something to tell you it's important that is the only reason I'm calling you, you need to listen and don't freak out" my voice stern.

"o-okay?" he stutters nervously

I take a deep breath looking over at Allie, she grabs my hand tightly before nodding her head.

"I'm pregnant" I say pensively

Silence is all I got from the other end I'm assuming he's in shock or hung up not wanting deal with the situation at hand.

"You're going to get an abortion right?" he said coldly

"No I'm keeping the baby" I say bluntly

"Well you are doing it by yourself I'm not going to be involved in anyway you can ruin your life with that mistake if you want but I'm not going to let you ruin mine Clare so don't expect it" his voice was tight

"no problem I won't bother you again you can sign over your rights and it'll be done"

I hung up. soon after Allie got a phone call from her parents saying she needed to come home, I was left with nothing but my thoughts I was going to be a mom not just a mom but a single mom in high school this is not what I had planned for my senior year.

 _ **Buzz Buzz Buzz**_

I hear my phone going off I pick it up and read the name on the caller I.d

 **...Eli**


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's note: In case anyone got confused by Clare's age being only 16 yet she's a senior her birthday happens in the summer; she'll be turning 17 before school starts. I personally felt the larger age gap would work better for my plan with the characters._

 _Clare_ _ **-**_ _16_

 _Eli-18_

 _K.C-17_

 _Allie-17_

 _Adam-17 (he'll be making bigger entrance shortly)_

 _Imogen-18 (repeating senior year)_

 _ **Now that we have that out of the way I give you chapter 8 I hope you like it:**_

 _ **Buzz Buzz Buzz**_

I hear my phone going off I pick it up and read the name on the caller I.d

 **...Eli**

As tempting as it is to answer my phone and beg for Eli to understand tell him we can get through this; I can't do that, well I could but I won't do that. Not only because I am terrified of the reaction he may have, let's face facts Eli is not known for most rational reactions but, the more prominent reason I refuse to tell him is because this isn't his problem to deal with. If by some miracle he were to agree to trying to be with me still with this unexpected situation would that really be fair to him?no it wouldn't and I know that. I watch as my phone stops ringing and the words missed call appears. I close my eyes and tell myself I'm doing this for him; I love him enough to let him go.

I decide to take a warm bath I needed to calm myself from the stress of today. I feel like I could have a panic attack at any moment. I light a few cashmere scented candles and start some relaxing music turning the lights out creating the perfect environment to let go. After removing my clothing I step in letting the glowing water fall over my body. I feel more at ease the moment I'm submerged taking in the illuminating light and cashmere smell but not nearly as much at ease as I'd like. I would have used hot water like usual but apparently that's on the list of things not to do while pregnant along with many other do's and don't's. I sigh sinking deeper into the water; every time I say that to myself i have the involuntary urge to throw up. I still can't take welcome that this is happening to me. Just a few short years ago I was saint Clare the girl Who Would not so much as have impure thoughts, having sex would have been unfathomable and Teen pregnancy so impossible that it be downright ludicrous to even joke about. I never thought being that girl would seem like anything other than a burden; right now if could go back in time I'd gladly take on that role again.

I feel as if I'm at the end of what I can handle and there are still so many other things to deal with. How am I going to tell my mother and father; they still think I'm waiting for marriage to have sex. Telling them I have broken my purity vow would be a huge blow of it's own but add pregnancy and an unsupportive father who wants nothing to do with me or the baby; I'll be lucky if my dad doesn't go into cardiac arrest. I suppose the good news is they'll never have to know about my relations with Eli but even without that detail of my life; what they inevitably have to find out is enough they could very well kick me out and disown me leaving me with nowhere to go.

After my lengthy bath I'm laying in my bed when I receive a text message from the person I least predicted.

 **K.C- I didn't mean to react the way I did when you told me earlier it was just a complete shock. I can't say I'll be involved but I think we should talk.**

I think for a few long moments before replying I'm not sure if I even want him involved especially after our conversation earlier; eventually I decide to hear him out.

 **Clare- dot tomorrow at 2pm.**

 **K.C I'll be there.**

I sigh rolling over in my bed burying my face in my pillow I don't want to deal with any of this why was I such an idiot I have the best grades in my graduating class. How am I not smart enough to prevent myself from getting pregnant. As much as I don't want to feel this way, I can't help but feel this baby is ruining my life.

 **The next day:**

I woke up this morning with four text messages and six missed calls all from Eli. As much as I want to answer him I force myself not to. I'm currently head to the dot; I told Allie last night about K.C wanting to talk. She thinks it's a bad idea to talk so soon but I just want to get it over with it's not like anything bad can happen we're in a public place.

I walk into the dot slowly eyeballing the room trying to spot my estranged baby daddy. Sure enough it doesn't take me long to catch sight of him sitting in the back corner booth; I walk over and take the seat across from him. We lock eyes for just a few seconds but it seems like an eternity that along with the silence is making this extremely uncomfortable.

"So," K.C says clearing his throat "I've done a lot of thinking and I want to be involved if you are going to keep the baby. But I don't want to be with you I'm with Jenna now"

I don't respond right away instead I try to access the sincerity of his words; he seems to mean what he says I know him well enough I can identify his emotions pretty easily but, sincere or not there are some things that make me wary of allowing him to have involvement with a defenseless baby. my baby.

" _I'm not interested in being with you K.C"_ I pause trying to find the right words " _I just I don't know if I can trust you with a baby"_

"Clare" he pauses letting out a frustrated sigh "I know I've let my anger get out of control in the past but, I'm better. You know that"

He's telling the truth he has gotten a lot better at controlling his problem. There have not been any incidents in months but, does that mean I can trust him? People relapse all the time it isn't absurd to think that could happen from the stress of a baby. My gut tells me not to trust him to walk out of this door right now; keep him away from my baby but my mouth has a mind of its own.

" _Okay"_ I say quietly not meeting his eyes.

My conversation with K.C is going okay he's actually being really nice, he wants to attend my prenatal appointments I don't love the idea but I decide to let him come. I assure him I'll let him know when my first appointment is and he leaves. I stay finishing my tea; I'm not allowed to have coffee it's also on that lovely don't's list. As I'm taking a sip I hear someone clearing their throat; I look up into blue eyes that on most occasions I'd enjoy seeing but this is certainly not one.

" _H-hey Adam"_ I stutter

"So Clare. Care to tell me why you're out having a coffee date with him" the way he says him is like K.C is some kind of deadly disease that needed to be eliminated. "you told Eli two days ago you were going to be all in no games no other guys; hours before you started avoiding him like the plague" the look on his face told me he wasn't playing Adam is a friendly guy but right now he seems everything but he means business.

" _It's not like that Adam something's came up and I needed to talk to him"_ I say with caution

"what would those things be? And it doesn't explain why you've been ignoring Eli since the moment he left your house. He has himself worried to death, not that you care. Apparently when he left you were really sick? Well I had to talk him out of coming back here when he couldn't get a hold of you.

" _I can't say; I'm sorry"_ I look down hearing Adam exhale in frustration and anger I don't dare look up at him.

"wow Clare. You know we've been friends for a while and I always thought you were such a kind hearted person; I'm starting to think I was wrong. The games you are playing with Eli are seriously messed up. He's been through more than you know; if you're just going to keep playing hot and cold with him you should just stay away for good. He doesn't need it"

I never look up but I hear Adam walking away. I hate that he thinks so little of me now but if I told him he'd tell Eli I'm certain of it. He's going to find out at some point, so will Eli. I can't hide a pregnancy forever but I can keep it under wraps for the summer and I intend to do so. I need to call and make an appointment with my obgyn I can't keep putting it off like it's not happening; I pull out my phone making an appointment. It was simple enough they asked a few questions and give me an appointment for three weeks I should be 10 weeks by then so they can do routine testing.

As I walk home I can't help but think of Eli. I hope Adam doesn't tell him but, I know he will they are best friends if he thinks I'm playing Eli he's going to tell him; it's expected Allie would do the same thing for me. My house comes into view my dad is here for our annual family dinner; I'm going to tell them tonight.

" _Hey Mom, dad"_ I say as I walk in the door I look at them wondering if I look different to them if maybe they can tell? If not yet I'm sure they will look at me differently after I tell them.

"Hey Clarebear." my dad greets me.

"dinner will be ready in about five minutes honey" my mom calls from the kitchen.

I wash up then make my way back downstairs for dinner. usually I'd be worried about my parents arguing amongst themselves; tonight I know that won't be the case they'll be to busy freaking out at me. We sit at the table and begin eating small talk ensues for most of dinner. As we finish eating I know it's time. If I don't do it now I don't know if I ever will.

" _I have something to say"_

"what is it baby?" my dad asks I can feel myself shudder when he calls me baby.

" _please don't hate me"_ I say sorrow in my voice as I look down

"Clare why would we hate you? You are our daughter we love you" my mom joins in on the conversation.

I prepare myself to feel their waft. My parents aren't the most forgiving or understanding people they're actually the opposite;hearing what I have to say is probably going to cause furry to flow through their veins. Things will change and the statement my mom made might as well of course they love me, they still think I'm their perfect daughter; but will they after I drop this bomb.

" _I'm pregnant"_ I pause their faces hold the look of shock, disbelief, and worst of all disappointment " _K.C and I aren't together but he is the father"_ I finish.

"Clare how could you behave so terribly and make such a huge mistake you've ruined your life!" my dad yells

"Randell stop screaming it's not helping" my mom says to him.

"well excuse me for not being calm over our daughter ruining her future Helen"

"well maybe if you hadn't ran out on us to have relations with your secretary we wouldn't be having this discussion!" my mom yelled at him now losing her own control

I watched them go back and forth before they finally came back to me to deal with the elephant in the room I watch as they both looked at me as if I was a leper not their daughter.

"are you planning to keep the baby" my mother asks surprisingly calm

" _yes"_

"Then you need to find somewhere to go, if you are adult enough to have sex, get pregnant, and be a mother you are adult enough to move out."

I'm appalled at her words as much as I knew this was a possibility I didn't actually think she'd do it I started crying not being able to contain it.

" _B-but mom-"_ she cut me off.

"Clare, we love you but raising a baby is hard you need to learn to do things by yourself; I'm not doing this to be mean tough love is what sometimes needs to happen. Go pack some stuff and make arrangements." her voice was eerily normal

I look at her tears still falling, without saying a word I pack my things and head out the door . I'm not sure where to go I feel lost; my word is upside down. I walk to a familiar house and knock on the door

"Clare?" his voice asks thrown off by my appearance.

" _my parents kicked me out, I have nowhere else to go."_ I suddenly reconsider what I'm doing " _I'm sorry for showing up I shouldn't have intruded I-I'll just go"_ I turn to walk away only to be stopped.

"I'm not going to let you leave with nowhere to go you should know that? Come in I'll get the guest room ready" he moves aside gesturing me inside his words were caring making me feel better about being here but, still not completely comfortable. i walk in bashfully following behind him.

Tonight has definitely ended up unexpectedly, I never imagined I'd be spending the night with...

 **Mark Fitzgerald.**


	9. Chapter 9

Tonight has definitely ended up unexpectedly, I never imagined I'd be spending the night with...

 **Mark Fitzgerald.**

As I follow behind him I can't help but feel I shouldn't be here; no matter how nice he's being I know what his capability is. Mark Fitzgerald better known as Fitz and I have quite an interesting history. We were friends for years really good friends. Allie always told me he wanted more but, I never believed her; When he found out I started dating K.C in grade nine it became clear she had been right. At first he tried to hide his jealousy but that didn't last; before long he was completely obsessive resorting to trying to break my relationship up with lies. One of those lies was that he and I had been secretly seeing each other; at the time no one would buy such a scandal involving goody good Clare Edwards and rightfully so. When that didn't work out the way he planned Fitz gave up I was appeased he had finally accepted I wasn't interested but, our friendship was over. He became a bully and delinquent; stealing,fighting, doing drugs you name it Fitz did it.

When Eli started degrassi luck would have it he and Fitz quickly embarked in a simple high school feud. That didn't last but a week before things took a turn for the worse; they became sworn enemies standing their ground willing to stop at nothing to end up on top. It started with Fitz defacing Eli's car pulling the hood ornament off, bullying him and Adam in regular Fitz character and a pretty hard low blow. I tried to convince Eli to turn the other cheek but, he didn't and things escalated much farther; Eli started fighting back. First setting Fitz up with a fake ID having him arrested and putting ipecac in his drink at a dance. The war came to an end that same night before my eyes. Fitz had Eli staring at the end of a sharp blade death seeming inevitable. I'd never seen Eli look anything but strong and masculine fearing nothing in that moment however his persona faltered; thankfully Fitz didn't plunge the knife into Eli but the wall beside him. After he was arrested and hauled off to a juvenile detention center. When Fitz showed up trying to reconcile not long after the incident I kept my space but agreed to be civil with him, leaving Eli in complete dismay. I still haven't told Eli Fitz and I were ever friends; thankful it was never revealed to him either.

We make it back to the guest room; as Fitz makes the bed, we don't bother with small talk we both know we aren't friends. Why I came here is unknown to me and why he's letting me stay even more so. Perhaps he feels as though he owes me or maybe he does still care all I can do is hope his motives are genuine and there isn't darkness lurking behind them but the vibe I'm getting deep down isn't reassuring.

"if you you need anything I'm down the hall" Fitz says walking out eyeing me up and down.

I nod giving a thankful smile ignoring his looks as he exits. If Eli were to find out about this he would hate me. Even after everything he sees Fitz as the enemy. I want nothing more than to have sleep take me over. I lay in the bed as I start drifting off I hear the sound of my phone.

 **Eli- I talked to Adam he told me everything. I can't believe you did this Clare what was the fucking point! Don't worry I'm done.**

I sigh tossing my phone across the room if I was at my house I'd scream but I don't want to disturb anyone. I lay back down on the pillow letting tears fall freely. I really fucked up. I feel sleep over coming me and I allow it to have me. Escaping reality for just a few hours.

 **One week later:**

It's been a week since I found out I was pregnant; the physical side effects are horrid, when my head isn't in the toilet while I violently throw up, I'm sleeping; No matter how much I sleep I can never overcome the extreme exhaustion taking hold of my body everyday it only gets worse. Aside from the physical toll on my body my emotions are not exactly positive either. I'm not sure if I'm just emotional negativity is from the changing hormones I've read about or the dramatic change my life is going through; probably a combination.

I'm still staying with Fitz he's been decent but I need to figure something else out promptly; I do not like the way he looks at me the lust in his eyes is unmistakable. I'd stay with Allie but I don't want her parents catching onto my being with child just yet. K.C is another option but I feel as though that would just be more drama than its worth. I have no clue what to do. If this baby had been Eli's I wouldn't be in this mess; Cece would have gladly taken me in regardless of Eli's reaction it's just how she is. It seems as though every time I think the more badly I realize I messed my life up. I haven't heard from Eli since the night he text me, I miss him with everything in me but there is nothing I can do.

I'm on my way to meet Allie for lunch at the dot now; she finally talked me out of the house. I miss her but I haven't felt like doing anything. As I approach the dot I see Allie sitting at an outside table; The weather out today is delightful the fresh air is a nice change from the smell of Fitz stuffy guest room.

"Clare! Over here" Allie calls waving her arms in the air as I make my way over to her

" _sorry I've been so distant Allie"_ I say taking a seat " _I've felt terrible the past week. All I do is throw up and sleep"_

She gives me a sympathetic look letting me know she understands. Instantly we fall into conversation over anything and everything except my current situation; I'm thankful that Allie can distract me from the storm known as my life. As we're talking I notice Imogen and Adam sitting inside with a few other people having a seemingly normal conversation; I keep my eyes away from Adam knowing we aren't on the best terms not wanting another confrontation. Even while distracting myself I notice Imogen leave shortly after giving me a rude look and Adam start coming my way causing my stomach to drop.

"Allie do you mind if I talk to Clare alone for a Second" Adam asks as he reaches our table Allie lifts her eyebrows questioningly I had told her about our last run in. I nod letting her know it's okay.

After Allie excuses herself Adam takes her place in the seat across from me the look on his face is only making me more nervous he doesn't look mad but it looks like he isn't sure where to start.

"is it true?" he says hesitantly. All I can think is he must knows about me staying with Fitz

" _I'm not staying with Fitz because I want-"_

"you're staying with Fitz!" he shouts in dismay eyes widening farther apart than what seems humanly possible.

" _I-I"_ I stutter before taking a moment to collect my thoughts " _yes. I thought you knew?"_ I question.

"No I didn't if you couldn't tell. what is wrong with you? Why would you be staying with Fitz this isn't like you Clare?" he asks concerned. Typical Adam to caring for his own good.

" _it's complicated; please don't worry I can't explain right now"_ I can tell he doesn't want to but he nods his head in acceptance. " _if that's not it what were you referring to earlier"_ I ask with a small smile.

"I don't want to assume without asking you first Imogen told me you bought a pregnancy test last week. Are you pregnant Clare?"

Everything went blank in that moment. I completely forgot she was the cashier that night. It never occurred to me she might tell. I hear Adam calling my name faintly through my zoned out state of mind but I can't force myself to engage finally he starts shaking my arm and I manage to gain back control of my mental state.

" _I-i need t-to go I'm sorry"_ I say getting up hurriedly

"Clare" he calls so I look back "she's going to tell Eli. She doesn't know you guys had a thing but she knows you were in the way of them being together; you should tell him before someone else does"

I walk off in horror; not only is this is going to get out it's going to get back Eli much sooner than I had anticipated. I make it back to Fitz' house trying to get to my room before running into him but it doesn't happen I bump into him and he gives me that look that makes my skin crawl and then it happens. He kisses me; I push him back but he get tries with more force. I use all the strength I have and and knee him in his personal area. It was enough to make him fall to the ground allowing mention dash out of the house like a bolt of lightning.

My head is spinning things couldn't possibly get worse. I run as far as I can aimlessly ending up at a nearby park; I stop trying to catch my breath in my panic state I somehow feel my phone vibrate.

 **Adam- He knows. He's coming back because you won't answer his calls just wanted to give you a warning.**

I feel my heart race even faster it's then I notice 40 missed calls and I text from Eli.

 **Eli- I'm coming home Clare we're going to talk regardless if you want to or not. See you soon**.

And with the verification that Eli knows and is coming home to talk to me I lose control my breathing becomes erratic before long I feel light headed and then nothing.

 ** _Beep Beep Beep_**

What is that noise? I open my eyes slowly coming to, looking around the room I notice white walls; shortly after the i.v in my arm makes itself known. I'm clearly in a hospital but why? As I'm pondering what led me here it comes to me slowly; then all at once hitting me like a ton of bricks. Imogen telling Adam about the test, Fitz making a forceful unwanted advance and Eli… He knows I'm pregnant he's coming back, he doesn't know K.C is the father; as far as he knows I only had sex with K.C the one time before I had been with him. We had agreed I wouldn't have sex with both of them at the same time and if I did I'd let him know. It never occurred to me to tell him I had indeed had sex with K.C between the time we ended our affair and reconciled. Suddenly I wish I was still blacked out.

"Clare Edwards?" a man in a white coat I'm assuming to be a doctor asks as he walks in.

" _Yes that's me"_

"Well good to see you are up. How are you feeling?"

" _I'm feel normal actually"_

"that's great, You and your baby both appear to be fine however you need to take it easy you might not be so lucky next time we'll go ahead and get you discharged" he says walking out

It suddenly occurs to me I hadn't even thought about the effect this could be having on my baby. I'm not happy about the circumstance that led to my pregnancy but, I do not want to harm my baby. I realize I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and make the best of what I have. I've been selfish only thinking of myself this whole time; it seems this is a common occurrence in my life, even back to how I ended up in this situation. I didn't think about Eli or K.C. My actions were driven for myself; what I wanted no consideration for them I tried to convince myself there was but deep down I knew even then there wasn't, I didn't care I was being disloyal to K.C or that I was disregarding Eli's feelings. Even the decision not to tell Eli that I'm pregnant as much as I want to believe I did it for him I'm not so sure. How can I be a mother? Mothers are supposed to be selfless putting their children before themselves no matter what the situation even if it's life or death a selfish person can't do that. I'm going to change no more self pity, no more being self centered. I need to be my own hero for myself and for my baby. I can't keep expecting someone to save me from the messes I make. It won't be easy but I'm going to do it I'm going to fix this.

With my new found epiphany and determination I know exactly where to start; Eli.

I reach his house forcing myself to keep my confidence; I knock hoping he's home. After a few minutes of no one answering I begin to walk away; no sooner than I turn around I hear the very voice I was waiting for.

"Clare"

I turn and look at him, when our eyes meet I feel the same connection as I did before; I want nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me it's okay. Save me from myself as usual but that's not what I'm here for I'm here to take responsibility for my actions not be saved.

" _Eli; we need to talk"_ the vibe between us is tense both of us full of emotions waiting to erupt.

"Well you don't say? I've only been trying to call you since the day I left" he says his voice sarcastic in a humorless way

" _I know I'm sorry I've handled things wrong probably as wrong as possible"_ I reply sincerely

"well you need to talk now, what Imogen told me; is it true? don't beat around the bush yes or no." his face showed no sign anything but seriousness. considering he's usually everything but that i listen to his request.

" _yes. I'm pregnant."_

"why didn't you tell me!" he practically screams.

" _Eli, you're not the father, K.C is."_ I say delicately looking everywhere but at him.

"you had sex with him again! When?" his voice was furious.

" _two weeks after I broke things off with you"_

"well that's great Clare. What are you going to do now have this baby get married buy a house?"

" _Of course not, I want to be with you that hasn't change._ I reply feeling tears start falling not caring enough to try and hide it.

"how can you say that? Everything has changed" he says adamantly looking my direction his eyes never leaving mine.

" _I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen; I didn't mean to hurt you or be so inconsiderate."_ I cry I said if be strong and stop feeling sorry myself but losing Eli is devastating.

"Are you positive he's the father?" he asks forcefully raising his eye brows and tilting his head slightly to one side.

I think for a moment the truth is I am pretty sure K.C is the father I can't say I know it for a fact after considering it for a brief moment I'm sure enough to not drag this out anymore.

" _yes. I'm positive"_ I lie immediately after the words come out of my mouth I become aware it was yet another selfish act; the last thing I wanted to do.

"Than we have no reason to be in contact anymore this is finished."

" _I can't imagine my life without you"_ I say as a last effort to try and salvage our possible relationship.

"I don't care" he throws his hand up animatedly. I can tell this situation is uncompromisable. Before he walks in his house I see tears in his eyes as he closes the door he's doing so much more than that he's shutting me out of his life.

As much as I want to retreat to my old habits after this, I can't; I refuse. I wipe the tears away putting my determination on the path to a better future one where I decide my happiness.


	10. Chapter 10

_author's note- I wanted to get this chapter up and didn't have time to look for mistakes after finishing_ so _sorry for that I will be going through and fixing them later tonight_

 **Two** **weeks later:**

They say positivity is the key to happiness; well whoever they are I need to commend them on how right they are. While I'm still struggling, everyday is getting better. I've been staying at Allie's since leaving the hospital. So much has changed, I recently got a job at the dot and I actually enjoy being more independent, it feels really good not relying completely on everyone else and after seeing that I'm doing my best to take responsibility for my actions my parents have even become more supportive; I can't help but smile inside at my accomplishments. Of course everything isn't perfect. K.C hasn't been here for me not that I expected him to I was Just hoping he would; all he's worried about is Jenna and his friends. I'm a little concerned he might be taking a few steps back from what Allie had told me. For our babies sake I want it to be rumors.

Of course there is Eli. I try to avoid all thoughts of him I can't think of him without missing his eyes, his smile that sarcastic sense of humor; I miss everything about him. I wish I hadn't taken those three months we spent together for granted but I'll do my best to move on; I've accepted everything for what it is I know not having him is my fault and that I'll never have him again but, I'll always keep the memories of the best person to have ever been a part of my life. The beat of his heart as I laid my head on his chest, the feeling of his arms tightly around me after making love, our playful moments always ending with him pulling me into a loving embrace and the way he could make me laugh like no one else; I'll keep it all with me forever not that I could forget it even if I wanted to Eli marked my life. Part of me really hopes he misses me too.

I have plans to meet K.C today I need to see if the rumors are true for myself; I am carrying his baby after all. I can't help but worry if the rumors are true he's going to be very unpredictable; last time he was either extremely loving or violent there was no middle. I'm getting dressed to go now; I can feel my nerves rising. I finish my usual routine and walk out of the bathroom where Allie is waiting for me.

"Are you sure about this Clare?" Allie asks worry in her eyes.

"Allie it'll be fine" I assure her halfheartedly

"If it's true what if he hurts you?"

"I have to; he's the father of my baby Allie."

"just be careful, you know what he's capable of"

"I will; I promise"

She gives me a hug and I'm out the door. As I get closer to the dot I feel myself start shaking not sure what I'll be faced with. I walk through the door and when he comes in my view I know the rumors are true his eyes are bloodshot bags under them and I can see him nodding in and out of consciousness from here. Against better judgement I walk over taking a seat.

"Hey" I say softly knowing how easily alarmed he is in this state

"you wanted to talk?" he snaps

"um yeah I've heard something's that make me concern-" he cut me off screaming I immediately stand up ready to run.

"you believe everything you hear Clare? I really thought being pregnant would make you stop thinking you were better than every other fucking person but apparently being alone while carrying a bastard child can't even do that you're such a stuck up whore" he's standing by this point as well getting his face nearly touching mine I'm sure everyone in here is staring in shock yet no one is bothering to help until someone does.

"Is that really how you think you should talk to her" Eli's voice comes from nowhere getting not only K.C's attention but mine as well

"this really isn't any your business. stop trying to be a hero and go mind your own" K.C spat angrily

"I'm making this my business. how about you spare everyone here trying to enjoy their day the scene and leave on your own because one way or another I'll make sure you do" Eli said with venom they had a stare down for a moment before K.C left giving Eli the death stare.

I'm not sure what to do; I have no idea why Eli did that he has no reason to defend me but he did we lock eyes In an awkward moment before he speaks.

"So what was that about" he asks raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner

"K.C is on drugs. Again." I answer quietly

"again?" he asks even more confused

"six months into our relationship he got addicted to prescription pills; he got so bad he'd lose control worse than that he got physical a few times it was never anything serious. Anyway He got clean right before you moved here and he's relapsed." I tell him shakily my adrenaline still high from the encounter

"okay first sit down, you're shaking" he says pulling a chair out for me and taking a seat himself "Now anytime a guy is physical with a girl it's serious you are half his size. Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this? His voice is so caring it sends emotion throw me and I start crying stupid hormones.

"I know it wasn't okay but at the time I loved him, and I never told you because I didn't want to talk about it or make you feel differently about me. You have to have things you haven't told me." I say still crying at my final statement I notice Eli get a strange look in his eyes a painful one almost as if a thought hit him like a freight train.

"Hey don't cry" he reaches his hand out putting it over mine ignoring what I said; the moment his hand touches mine I can feel the same fire as every time before. I wonder if he can too.

"I'm sorry hormones" I smile sadly

"it's fine really but, speaking of that is he really safe to be around a baby?" he asks with genuine concern

"no. I'm going to do it by myself at least until he gets better. It will be hard but this isn't about me anymore I can't come first"

He looks at me with sympathy for a short moment before offering to walk me home; I really wasn't expecting him to do that. I think, If this were a movie I'd agree we would walk home joining in comfortable conversation like nothing has changed; as we got to my door he would tell me he made a mistake and he wants to give it another shot that we could get through this. it would start raining and we'd share a passionate kiss confessing our love for eachother but, this isn't a movie. As much as I want to accept I don't. It isn't only myself I'm making decisions for it's my baby and babies need stability. I have changed a lot in the last two weeks and this would be a step back. So instead of giving into my screaming heart I thank him for the offer and we go our separate ways. Even though I feel upset I gave up the chance to spend more time with Eli; I am proud of myself for putting my baby before me. I'm not saying I won't reconnect with Eli if he really wants to but, I know now is not the time.

I walk through the door of Allie's house going straight towards her room to take a much needed nap. After everything that occurred this afternoon I'm exhausted. I remove my clothes noticing my growing belly for the first time; I'm showing but not very much I rub my tummy gently thinking about how surreal it is that there is a baby in there before putting my pajamas on and crawling into bed. Suddenly my phone goes off.

 **Eli- I know I said I wanted you out of my life but I don't, I can't be with you but I want you in my life Clare. Let's talk soon?**

A huge smile appears on my face reading the message friends sounds really nice as long as we can handle it.

 **Clare- I'd love that Eli. We'll talk soon**

I lay my phone down once again ready to take a nap, things really are improving if only things with K.C would get better.

 _It's a girl! The doctor yells as the room is filled with a newborn cry. I'm handed a baby wrapped in a pink blanket all I can see is dark brown hair I hear a male voice speak and right as no turn to look_

CLARE WAKE UP! Allie screams

"what! what's going on?" I ask still half asleep.

"it's K.C they found him in his room it's all over the news, h-he took to much of something" she paused looking at me grief stricken. "he's dead Clare"

Everything around me disappearing; I become disassociated with my body completely numb from all emotion. It can't be real he can not be gone. Sure we weren't on good terms but he was my first love at one point he meant the entire world to me; We went through so much together we're having a baby. My baby isn't going to have a father. My feelings start to come back hitting my fiercely and I begin sobbing uncontrollably.. Allie grabs me holding me tightly not saying anything knowing it isn't going to help we stay in this position for what felt like hours the tears keep coming like a never ending ocean. Words can't describe what I'm feeling. It's not that I still wanted to be with him that was long over but he was a big part of my life and he's gone in the most permanent way possible. I know it's wrong but it's not Allie who I need tonight. I probably wouldn't even think about doing this it's 1am which doesn't help but right now but I don't care in my heart I know it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right, we have been through so much pain and I need him this time.

"Hello?" Eli's voice answers

"Eli I need to you tonight I need you right now please" I cry hysterically into the phone not sure if he can even understand what I said.

"Clare calm down, please just breath. where are you?" he says his voice completely Alarmed

"Allie's" is all I say

"I'll be there in five minutes" I hear him rustling around before his keys jingling and the line going dead

I sit with Allie until I see his headlights pull up; not bothering to say bye to Allie I rush out the door. I run as fast as I can out of the house directly into Eli's arms; he wraps them protectively around me while I cry into his chest.

"Clare what happened?" he whispers in my ear softly

 **"** _ **he's dead** "_


	11. Chapter 11

Standing outside Allie's in the dark I had just let the words fall from my lips for the first time and it still doesn't feel real I've never lost anyone close to me before I have no idea how to handle this.

What? Who? Eli asks worriedly holding me tighter.

"K.C" I know I was being short with him but I couldn't calm down enough to form words.

"Clare, I'm so sorry" he began lightly running his fingers through my hair "do you want to stay with me tonight? I know we aren't exactly on the best terms but I hate seeing you like this and I know what you're going through right now" he seems so downhearted like this hits a nerve for him I wonder what it is.

"please" I say quietly trying to calm down.

I don't bother getting anything I just get in his car and we drive back to his house I'm not in the emotional state to care about having anything all I can think about his the fact that K.C is dead my baby won't have a father; If it's a boy who's going to teach him how to play sports and if it's a girl who's going to protect her in a way only a father could do. No K.C wasn't the best father potential but at least when he was alive there was potential now it's hopeless. Sure I could marry later in life and give them a father figure but won't replace K.C. I have been doing so good and this curve ball has knocked the wind out of me every breath I take my mind drifts to the fact that he's not taking one. All the memories we have he helped me become who I am in a way. What if this is my fault what if he couldn't handle the stress of my pregnancy and that pushed him down this dark path once again only this time leading to his demise. I don't want to let this ruin everything I've accomplished, I can't let something terrible cause more terrible things to happen but, I'm worried it might be impossible for it not too.

"Clare, we're here" Eli's soft voice pulls me from my thoughts.

I just look up at him no reply or motion I haven't got the will for anything else. It feels as though part of me died with him; I know we weren't together but part of me will always love him for what we had even with the bad there was so much good. I hear the door open before I feel Eli's arms carefully pick me up as if he could break me with the simplest touch; I lay my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat finding myself so thankful he has one to hear together or not I love him, if something happened to him I don't know what I would do if he's in my life or not I want him to be alive and happy. When we make it to his room I feel him lay me on his bed softly before laying next to me pulling my body to his tightly like he was afraid to let go the words I hear him speak are as if he read my mind.

"Clare it's not your fault." his words were stern but gentle.

"what if the pregnancy drove him to this" I have finally stopped crying only because I'm too exhausted to continue.

I feel him press a kiss to the back of my head, the front of his body pressed to the back of mine so tightly nothing could come between us even dust couldn't get through. The embrace wasn't at all sexual it was loving and comforting. a comfort only Eli can give me. The familiar smell of his skin and warm touch numbs the pain.

"Clare you being pregnant didn't kill him; it may have been hard however it didn't cause him to die. I need to tell you something I don't like talking about but, you need to hear it." he paused for a moment taking a long deep breath before continuing "My girlfriend Julia, We had a fight one night it was dark things got out of control; It wasn't a small thing we were fighting about not at all and I reacted badly. she got so mad and upset she stormed off on her bike crying. I should have gone after her stopped her but I didn't I was so mad at her; she got hit by a car that night after taking off I blamed myself for a long time. I had therapy which helped but when I was diagnosed bipolar it took me back a few steps thinking if I had only controlled myself she would still be alive. I know now I didn't kill her just like you didn't kill K.C things will get better Clare I promise."

Eli I had no idea; I'm sorry" I say with sympathy we were silent for a while after that neither of us daring to speak. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I had no idea Eli has been through so much he hides it so well; I wonder what else I don't know about him. His words are comforting and I appreciate him letting me in but I don't think I'll be okay again for a long time. I lay there in Eli's arms enjoying the warmth of his body. I feel his hand caressing my stomach it feels so right as if this is how things are suppose to be even though I enjoy the feeling of his touch I'm surprised by his actions. Perhaps he has a soft spot for babies.

"So how do you feel?" I hear his voice speak quietly.

"I feel okay, mostly tired, emotional and hungry. The sick feeling is finally gone" I tell him.

"Everything is going to be okay you know that right?"

"I do"

I mean it even with everything that occurred tonight and, my life's sudden unexpected changes I have a feeling that things will be okay. It's a feeling coming from deep inside forcing it's way in mind making positivity shine through the bad It could just be because I'm in Eli's arms right now or maybe I'm just delusional at this point from all that has happened in such a short period of time. I really can't say but, I hope more than anything that it's right, that things will workout for me and my baby and we'll find happiness. Although from the moment I heard the tragic news about K.C I've been negative I know I need to think of my baby. As I'm laying here with Eli falling asleep after such a colossal night my heart tells me things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or next week but eventually.

 **Two weeks later:**

It's finally the day of my first appointment with my ob-gyn to check on my baby. I'm nervous and excited. Over the past few weeks I've become more and more accepting of the idea of being a mom; after watching a special on t.v over how many women struggle with infertility I've come to realize how much of a blessing this baby really is. I've been feeling flutters lately it feels like bubbles popping it tickles a bit. Knowing that feeling is coming from a life growing inside of me, a life I created is miraculous. I've gotten bigger also I'm starting to look pregnant I'm sure people are becoming suspicious but even with that and the fluttering it seems surreal sometimes I even forget I'm sorry pregnant. All my symptoms are pretty much gone aside from the new development of heartburn. I'm pleasantly surprised all the readying I've read says it doesn't go away until the second trimester usually. Instead of questioning it I just considering myself lucky.

As I arrive at the office I can't help but think of K.C if he would have been here or not. I've heard gossip that Jenna is also pregnant a rumor which is quite alarming. If she is pregnant and K.C is the father of her baby also that baby would be a sibling to mine; that would add a whole new problem I don't want to deal with. I've just learned to accept that my baby will not have be father.

Looking around the room I can't help but feel jealous of all the women here with their significant others holding their hands, whispering encouraging words or making small talk to keep them from getting nervous and if not there significant other their mother is beside them while I'm sitting here all alone with nothing but my thoughts. Allie wanted to come but she had to be at some summer science program it was extremely important she be there or she would have canceled to be here with me for support; I'm not mad at her I understand she has a life and I am not here responsibility I just wish I wasn't all alone. My mother was to busy with her new boyfriend to come and I would never even let the idea of inviting my father cross my mind; our relationship is okay but he's not someone I want here. I thought about inviting Adam but it just seemed a little weird considering I have no idea what to expect when I go back the only other person is Eli but he is back in New York. Not that I would have invited him anyway we've been in contact but strictly friends he's been emotional support having him has been incredible but asking him to come here would have been overstepping. This is not his baby and he has a life.

 **Buzz buzz**

I feel my phone vibrate I check it feeling smile form on my face.

 **Eli- your appointment is today right? I hope everything is okay. Let me know if you need me.**

 **PS. Relax I'm sure everything is fine.**

It warms my heart to know Eli cares enough to remember, even though we aren't together I appreciate it he's a great friend. I'm grateful he isn't holding anything against me or acting how he did when I had ended our affair. He's really maturing becoming even more inconceivably perfect than imaginable. As good as having him as a friend is I'm going to be extremely jealous of of the girl lucky enough to win the affection that once belonged to me. Men like Eli are hard to find if only I had known that at the time. Enough feeling sorry for myself that's in the past.

It seems like I've been sitting here for hours when in reality it's only been around five minutes. I'm grateful the waiting room is relaxing unlike a typical doctor's office they have nice chairs instead of those hard plastic ones the walls are a soft brown color with a fountain making relaxing sound and it actually doesn't smell like an over sterile hospital. I notice the small gift shop in the corner with baby clothes hanging wondering if my baby will wear pink or blue. It'll be a while still until I know. Finally I hear a nurse call my name; we walk past the gift shop into a medium sized room it's a pea green color with a soft looking bed. She takes my weight and blood pressure; I'm shocked by how much weight I've already gained. After that she leaves the room telling me the doctor will be in within a few minutes.

A Doctor with grey hair appearing to be in his 50's walks opposed to most people I'm glad he's older I want to have my baby as Natural as possible him being a man is a bit uncomfortable though. He introduces himself. he seems friendly making me more comfortable. He soon jumps into medical questions over my menstrual cycles and other routine things. While he's doing a pelvic exam he seems to get thrown off.

"when was your last period" he asks

"may" I respond anxiously

"you're cervix doesn't feel like what I would expect for 10 weeks or so. They'll check during your ultrasound. No need to be alarmed these things happened all the time." he assures genuinely.

Another women comes introducing herself adding that she I'll be performing an ultrasound. she walks me to a dark room and asks me to lay back on the bed and pull my pants below my bikini line. I do as I'm told and she begins the scan after putting gel on belly. I see my baby show up on the screen bring tears happy tears to my eyes I can see him or her wiggling around. This makes it real. She assures me that the baby has a healthy heartbeat and looks great. Everything is going good I was worried for nothing.

"do you want to know the gender?" she asks sweetly

"yes" I reply not thinking any farther into it

"it's a girl" she says with a smile

A girl, wow. Thoughts of her is all that is running through my head right now. I'm going to have a daughter a little princess to take shopping, fix her hair get our nails done together one day. I wonder what she'll look like. I cannot say I wasn't secretly hoping for a little girl I would have been happy either way as long as my baby was healthy of course. I want to have a relationship with her like I wish I had with my mom. I can't wait to tell Allie she's made it clear she wants a god daughter to spoil.

"with a concept date of March 24th your due date is December 15th you are 16 weeks two days pregnant. A bit further than you thought"

I can't fathom her words 16 weeks that makes This baby Eli's no question about it I must have gotten pregnant one of the last nights we were together. I have no idea how to react I just accepted everything, my baby not having a living father, Eli and I not being together now I don't know what to think. I walk out of the office after having my blood drawn unsure of what to do from here. Should I call Eli now? He needs to know that part isn't up to me; we just got back on good terms I can't predict how he's going to react to this news. I call him but there is no answer I find myself driving aimlessly the emotions of everything are getting to me. Eli is the father of my baby. Desperate for some sort of comfort I drive to the only possible place to find it right now.

After knocking on the door I find myself questioning why I made this decision before I have the chance to turn around the door opens.

"Clare, baby girl! What a nice surprise what brings you here Cece asks sweetly.

Looking at her with the new Knowledge that I'm carrying her grandchild is overwhelming I'm both relieved and terrified my unpredictable hormones take effect and I start sobbing Cece pulls me into a much needed loving hug.

"Cece the baby I was wrong it-it the the" I struggle with words that won't Come out.

"The baby is Eli's" she says not as a question.

"how did you know?" I ask confused

"I've thought it since Eli told me. I even told him but he insisted that you said it wasn't he bought it but I didn't"

"I'm so scared to tell him" I say hugging Cece tighter.

"I'm not sure how he'll act, if you hadn't told him you were sure it wasn't I'm sure he would have trusted your word but now I'm not so sure. He told you about Julia right?"

"some of it" I answer I'm not sure what that has to do with this.

"well I'm going to tell you the rest he won't like it but you need to know." She said sadly as we walk to the living room the mood feels tense. when we have both taken a seatcomfortably on the loveseat she continues "Julia cheated on Eli too many times during their relationship to many count to count he always took her back; well she ended up pregnant Initially telling Eli that the baby wasn't his a few months in that changed. The other guy backed out and she assured Eli the baby was actually his and Being the person he was he believed her no question taking full responsibility. He took care of her held her hand when the baby was born and was a great dad to the baby after. Well when the baby was 6 weeks old he noticed that she didn't look a thing like him so he got a DNA test secretly well when it came back it revealed what everyone knew he was not the father. He was devastated and well pissed. That's what their fight was about"

I have no clue how to reply to the truth of what happened between Eli and Julia. That explains why he asked if I was positive the baby wasn't his. I'm only more nervous to tell him now even though I know I needed to know this I wish I didn't. I know that he is the father now without a doubt but I told him just 4 weeks ago there was no chance of the baby being his. I'm doing the same thing his ex did to him only telling him the truth where she didn't. He trusted her word and he got burned bad. This is going to bring all that to the surface. Suddenly my phone rings sure enough it's Eli.

"Hey Eli" I say softly

"hey Clare you said you needed to tell me something on my voicemail. is everything okay?" he asks sounding concerned.

"well it's a girl"

"That's great congratulations!" he replies sincerely

"Thanks, but that's not all"

"do tell?"

"well you see you see there was kind-of a mix up" I say slowly

"mix up? Spit it out Edwards"

"well i should congratulate you because um. I was wrong about the dating I'm farther along than I had thought… **Eli you're the father** "

 **….**


	12. Chapter 12

"well you see you see there was kind-of a mix up" I say slowly

"mix up? Spit it out Edwards"

"well i should congratulate you because um. I was wrong about the timing… Eli you're the father"

….

Silence is all that can be heard in response to the words that I just spoke. every second feels like an hour; the minutes an eternity. If it hadn't been for my phone steady adding time telling me he's still the I would have thought he hung up.

"Eli? Say something please" I finally say nervously

"what's the punch line?" he answers his voice sounding numb. When I don't reply he speaks again "you're serious?"

"yes I'm serious I wouldn't joke about this. I'm 16 weeks not 10"

"you told me you were sure the baby, she wasn't mine Clare. How does that just change?" his voice is starting to sound tight I'm assuming the numbness is wearing off and what I told him is sinking in.

"I was wrong careless I guess I knew there was a slight chance you were the father but I really thought K.C was Allie and I-"

"hold up, not only did you lie over something as serious as the paternity of a baby after I deliberately asked you if you were positive but you told did you two just decided you could make a decision? I can't believe this shit Clare! When are you going to stop being so selfish; did you think about me at all? Who am I kidding of course you didn't. How many times have I forgiven you, I can't do it again not when it's this serious. I fucking love you Clare and you just keep ruining everything. I wanted you I even wanted that baby but this is too much. How do I even trust she's a mine" he yelled into the phone fuming I could practically feel the heat from his anger through the phone. I've never heard him this angry.

"I wouldn't lie about that" I say weakly his words breaking me apart.

"you already did! I want a DNA test I really don't believe you I'm never good enough until the other option is gone"

"That's not true"

"I'm done with this conversation Clare. I don't do this again" his hung up immediately after.

The phone falls from my hand emotions flying through me quicker than I can comprehend them; hurt, anger, guilt, stupid just to name a few of them. As much as i want to put the blame on Eli, say he's over reacting the it's not my fault I can't. I lied to him over something as serious as a human life, it makes it worse he's been in this situation before. Although he might not know it, I realize what his final words meant. He wasn't talking about me and my constant messing up; he was talking about falling for the same trick again believing another baby is his only to find out it was a lie, a fabrication made to benefit someone else and make him look like a fool leaving him heartbroken and humiliated in the end. I should have just been honest with him from the beginning instead of worrying about myself I know he wouldn't have judged me but, the impulse was to strong and I did what I thought would save me public embarrassment. Do I really care that much about what people think of me? Enough to be so selfish right after making a vow not to be. As much as I want to pity myself right now, I can't. I'm not the victim here; my daughter and Eli are the ones suffering from the consequences my actions.

"Clare" Cece's sweet voice pushes into my thoughts.

"He thinks I'm lying Cece he wants a paternity test" I reply quietly

"He'll come around baby girl. It's a lot to take in; if he doesn't on his own before the baby is born he will once you take the test. One thing I know is he will take responsibility no matter what happens between you two" she says assuringly rubbing my back lightly in a comforting way.

"he hates me" I reply looking down tears now falling.

"He doesn't hate you at all Clare don't be silly; he couldn't even if he wanted to. He may hate how things have been handled and some of the things you have done but he loves you, he will love your baby too especially when he knows she's his. Between us he would even ended up accepting her even if she wasn't his; it's the lie that he's having a hard time with along with the not knowing."

As much as I want to believe her words it's hard to; I've done everything wrong from the moment Eli and I first kissed to now. As much as I tried after leaving the hospital it still wasn't enough some role model I'll be.

"I better get going, thank you Cece" I tell her meaningful although I might not be the best mother my daughter will certainly have the most amazing grandmother.

"you are welcome here anytime Clare don't be a stranger" she smiles giving me a tight hug.

Once I reach Allie's I run upstairs to tell her everything about the events of today not skipping a single detail; I want to tell her the good the bad and the shocking. As I begin telling her the events that unfolded today I can tell from the look on her face that she's having a hard time processing all the news I'm telling her; I try to go slow as possible to keep her brain from frying from hearing how much has changed since just this morning it is a lot after all. Even with the time I'm allowing her between one piece of information to the next it seems emotions are going crazy on her one second she's happy the next sad but mostly confused not that it wasn't to be expected. Once I'm finished she sits staring at me with her mouth hanging open blank expression; good thing she's sitting if she hadn't been she might have collapsed.

"Clare I never thought this would happen to me I'm actually speechless" the dumbfounded look on her face was enough to make me laugh for the first time today. She didn't find it so funny because I ended up with a pillow in my face.

"I'm sorry Allie, I know I shouldn't be laughing I don't know what's wrong with me I think I've finally lost it" I say still laughing

"I'd say" she replies joining in on my laughter.

We spent the most of the night talking about how spoiled this little girl is going to be and making a list of baby names. I feel bad not including Eli but he made it pretty clear he doesn't believe he's the father. After talking about all things baby related deciding on a name and some online shopping we decide to watch a movie; halfway through the movie I get a text.

 **Adam- so is Eli really the father?**

Of course Adam knows by now I'm honestly impressed he waited this long to contact me.

 **Clare- yes no question about it. Eli is her father.**

 **Adam- good. I don't want to see him get hurt he's not doing this because he's a dick unfortunately when he's done being stubborn he's gonna be hurt along with feeling like a jackass for missing out.**

 **Clare- I know he's not. If you talk to him let him know I'm naming her Lianna mae.**

After I finish texting Adam I notice Allie is fast asleep. My thoughts start drifting to today's events; as much as I love Eli I think I need to come to terms with the fact that we are not meant to be together. We need to create a stable environment for our daughter and I don't think we can do that as an us. We haven't been stable a moment since we met the exact opposite it's always been intense never simple; that's not good for a baby. Whenever he comes around either before or after Lianna is born I'm going to allow him to be as involved as he wants to be with her but, we have to be Co parents. Nothing more.

After a good night's sleep I'm feeling much better about the news of Eli being my baby's father. Although Eli and I didn't have the conversation I was hoping for it could have been worse I suppose. No doubt that It hurts to know he won't be involved while I'm pregnant so we both will be missing out on that experience but, I'm certain that once he knows he's her dad he will step up. It might not be the best outcome but now my daughter will have her biological father in her life which unfortunately wasn't going to be possible if K.C had been her father.

I have to work this lovely morning so a shower, fix my hair and put on some light make up and get dressed before setting off to work. About an hour in I learn we are getting a new employee who I have the pleasure of training sarcasm intended; it's not that I have anything against whoever this person is I don't even know them it's just training is always a burden. Minutes later my manager spinner walks over to me with a tall guy with light brown hair he looks around my age; spinner intrudes the boy as Jake.

After a few hours of training Jake I learn his last name is Martin he's 18 graduated last year and just moved here with his father. They own a small construction company and he took this job on the side until they find stable clientele. He seems nice, it doesn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes either. We agree to a coffee or in my case tea after our shift is over we get off at the same time anyway.

"So Clare, what are you working here for; You know my reason what's yours?" Jake asks as we walk to a nearby table

"well I made some bad choices this year long story short I'm single and pregnant. I don't regret it because my daughter she'll be a amazing I'm sure but it has made things hard" rip the bandage off right? The look on Jake's face is one of shock but understanding alleviating me of the worry he was judging me.

"things will get easier, my mom was a teenage mom she had me when she was 17 her and my father got married while she was pregnant to as they put it"do the right thing" well they are happily divorced now so obviously the right thing to everyone else isn't always what's right for you. Having a baby doesn't mean that you have to be with whoever the father is or that you'll be alone if you aren't" Jake's words were honest and made me feel lighter over the Eli situation maybe in time there will be someone else.

 **November:**

It's November I'm 9 months pregnant it's insane how fast time is flying in just a short month Lianna will be here. I honestly can not wait to see her and hold her; I know it will make all of this worth it. I haven't talked to Eli since the day I told him I made a mistake and he is her father not K.C; according to Adam he asks about me and the baby often it makes me feel good to know he does still care about our well being of. I heard he will be home sometime this month until the end of January meaning he will be here when Lianna is born; I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is happy that he'll be here to get the paternity test over with so he doesn't miss more time with her and the other part of me is terrified of facing him.

I've improved my life so much in a few short months with my job at the dot and help from my mom I've been able to move out of Allie's into a two bedroom apartment. It's not the best place but it's not the worst. It's perfect for me and my daughter to make our start. Jake and I have gotten close we have decided being friends is best for now I don't need to add anything else to my plate with that said I'd be lying if I said there wasn't potential for more. I check the clock noticing it's almost time for my shift I throw on my work uniform and hurry out the door I have to make a quick stop at the pharmacy.

I arrive at the pharmacy quickly getting my vitamins and checking out on the way to my car I hear my name being called by a voice I haven't heard in months, I turn to see Cece pacing my way. I feel terrible that I haven't talked to her since I showed up abruptly at her house a complete mess from the news I had just received she was so kind to me as always. It's not that I didn't want to see her I really have missed her I've just been extremely busy and honestly being in that house just hurts to much to many memories and reminders.

"hey Cece!" I say sweetly as she wraps her arms around me lovingly

"Clare it's been so long! Look at you, you are ready to pop." she jokes.

"It feels like it too." I joke back.

"not much longer baby girl I'm sure you are exhausted." she smiles.

"very much, anyway I need to get to work it was nice seeing you I'm sorry I have to cut it short and that I haven't been over I just have a lot going on" I apologize sincerely.

"it's no problem I get it baby girl." she says honestly.

Just as I'm about to walkway a figure catches my attention. Those long dark locks and green eyes I can identify from a mile away. When his eyes lock on mine I freeze for a short moment before racing to my car as if I was being chased by a tiger. Once I'm in my car I speed away; I knew seeing him would be hard but I didn't think it would be that hard. It felt like I had seen a ghost; it was the first time I laid eyes on Eli since I found out the baby I'm carrying is his. It's a stinging feeling to look at him under the current circumstances; the intensity of looking at him for just a few seconds was agonizing. All I can think about is if our daughter that I have been waiting to see for nine months will have his eyes or even some of his his personality traits or expressions she is half him after all. I pull into the dot hoping it will get my mind off of the encounter.

I've been at work for hours now my shift is about to end. I can't wait to go home put my severely swollen feet up and relax; every day is more strenuous on my body I didn't think pregnancy would be this hard. Finally the clock strikes 6 and I clock out stopping to talk to spinner and Jake for a brief moment. When I come from behind the back my eyes fall upon I tormenting scene.

Eli and Imogen. His body pressed against a wall in the corner by by hers while she shoves her tongue down his throat her nasty hands venturing over his body. My mouth speaks before my brain.

"That's disgusting" I say loudly enough it gets their full attention.


	13. Chapter 13

**" _That's disgusting"_** I say loudly enough it gets their full attention.

Eyes shoot up at me like bullets after the trigger of a gun has been pulled I can feel the impact of their stare causing chills on my body; Imogen's eyes certainly hold a look of unadulterated hate I'm convinced if she didn't want to before, she wants to kill me now over my accidental word vomit disrupting her moment with Eli. I never meant to say the words out loud they were suppose to remain quietly in my head not be heard by everyone in the dot; the only person that was supposed to know of my rude thought was Allie later tonight when I called her to let out my frustration. I can feel my cheeks turning crimson from the pure embarrassment running through me right now; it's only been a minute since my outburst but it feels like a lifetime. As Imogen beings approaching me I know this isn't going to be good for me.

"What was that?" she spits at me with venom. her body invading my personal space without a care.

"I didn't mean to say it outloud sorry" I say trying to simply end the conversation but my effort is useless.

Imogen laughs bitterly licking her lips in amusement placing her hands on her hips "sure you didn't. Just stop everyone knows you are just jealous Clare Edwards; you want to trap Eli by convincing him that your baby is his because you already drove K.C to his untimely grave with the problem but, it's not going to work. Give it up you have manipulated him enough already you don't care about him you never did" her face held a devilish grin. I felt tears start forming in my eyes I want to rebuttal but sounds refuse to come from my body.

"Imogen that's enough leave her alone" I hear Eli's voice speak for the first time but he doesn't utter a word to me it even look at me.

If my vision wasn't completely clouded with tears I'd walk away; I want nothing more than to just abandon this situation run away like a coward but, I don't want to risk falling it could potentially harm my daughter so I just remain standing here tears steady falling. I hear Imogen begin talking again I'm not sure what she's saying or if it's directed at me I don't want to know; suddenly I feel wind as a tall male body comes beside me I'm not sure if i should be relieved or more worried that before.

He clears his throat before cutting into Imogen's rant "what's going on here?" I hear Jake's voice.

"it's nothing Jake just a misunderstanding" I tell him not wanting to escalate this even more.

"who's he?" Eli's question comes out strong almost angry. I notice him eyeing Jake up and down with his jaw clenched I'm shocked to see what looks like jealously in his eyes.

"Jake Clare's friend; now who the hell are you and why does it matter to you who I am?" Jake's voice rings In the same low strong tone as Eli's. Their bodies both standing tall ones eyes never leaving the others. it's like they are both fighting to prove who's the alpha male.

"Eli Clare's-" Jake cuts him off recognizing the name instantly. I can see Jake get even more mad over what's going on.

"I know who you are. You're Clare's daughters deadbeat father who can't take responsibility for his actions. Why don't you go back to New York with that-" having enough I finally cut in this needs to end now I can see the clenched jaws and fists on both Eli and Jake they look ready to rip each other apart. Knowing the last thing I need is for this altercation to become physical I couldn't wait if I waited any longer I'm sure that's where things would end up.

"Jake you know that's not how it is please just stop let's go." I pull Jake away not looking back at Imogen and Eli afraid of what I might see.

"I'm sorry Clare I know you don't like conflicted but I couldn't take seeing them treat you that way especially him. That guy has nerve." Jake says.

"it's okay really thank you for trying to help" I give him a thankful hug.

I don't like the conflict that occurred but I am grateful that jake made an effort to help me. Other than Allie I have felt completely alone; between getting evil looks from Imogen and Jenna at school and of course the rumors the last few months have been more difficult than I anticipated. Jake really is a great guy ever since I met him he's supported me. Eli has obviously moved on maybe it's time I should too. While still embracing Jake in a hug I hear someone clear their throat; I turn to see who and I'm once again staring into green eyes that look less than pleased in this particular moment.

"am I interrupting something? You guys are just friends right?" Eli asks his eyes squinted looking right at Jake accusingly.

"dude what is your-" Jake began speaking only to be cut off by Eli.

"dude was I talking to you? No I believe I was talking to Clare" "Eli mocked his voice once again becoming aggressive.

"we are. Not that it concerns you Eli. Do you need something?" I ask crossing my arms and quirking an eyebrow at him.

"I just have one thing to say than I'll be out of your way. If the baby is mine which I still don't necessarily believe however if it is true don't think someone else is going to play daddy to her; not him or anyone else. I'll do whatever I have to in order to make sure that doesn't happen. That's a promise." He gives me a look telling me he means what he just said it wasn't an intimidating look more or a reassuring one afterwards he walks casually out of the dot surprisingly he doesn't leave with Imogen I'm tempted to talk to him but decide it's best not to.

After Jake going on and on over how much of a jerk Eli is and trying to convince me he's not good for my daughter I finally head home. I get in my car and blast the radio loud enough to drown out my thoughts. I don't want to think anymore in less than a month I'm going to be a mom; I'll have a newborn baby to take care of that depends on me I don't need all this stress right now I'll have plenty once she gets here. I reach my apartment making my way inside at the speed of which a sloth could pass me; I'm feeling completely exhausted from all the commotion. As much as I want to call Allie and tell her, I'm to tired to hold a conversation right now I'd probably doze in and out on the phone making absolutely no sense; So instead I decide to call her tomorrow. I put on a comfortable nightgown and let myself get the rest I desperately need. As I get into bed I receive a text message from an unsaved number after reading the message I learn it's Cece.

Cece- Eli told me what happened today. I hope you are alright if you need anything call me baby girl. Don't listen to that girl. Please Let Eli know you're okay he doesn't want to admit it but he's driving himself crazy.

I smile to myself before sending a thank you message to Cece and telling her to let Eli know I'm fine. Cece is truly wonderful I'm lucky to have her as my baby's grandmother. Once I lay down darkness immediately consumes me.

Hours later, I wake up feeling like my bladder is going to explode it's nothing out of the ordinary for me lately; it happens every few hours every night I'd probably be concerned if it didn't. After relieving myself of the dreadful full feeling I make my way to the kitchen and have a quick snack; chocolate ice cream and pickles of course. I finish soon after and walk back towards my room like any other night but unlike any other night I trip on the stairs. Luckily I don't fall down them but I do land on a step my huge stomach taking the impact while I try catching myself. I roll myself over leaning back on the step just now realizing how hard the hit actually was. I wait a few minutes to see if the pain subsides; when it doesn't and just seems to get worse coming and going every few minutes I walk back to the bathroom and go from concerned to terrified.

I notice blood on my pants between my legs obviously coming from a place that it most definitely should not be coming from during pregnancy. My mind races to what could be going on the concern for my baby is getting worse every time I get a pain; as panic stricken as I am I know I need to remain calm as possible to prevent further stress on my baby. I consider what action to take next and decide to call an ambulance to get me to the hospital. I will call anyone else from there. The ambulance arrives within ten long worry filled minutes and quickly we are on our way to the hospital.

Once we arrive I'm ambushed with questions and rushed to labor and delivery ward where they hook me up to monitors and start an IV. About 20 minutes later my doctor walks in seemingly calm; it makes me feel more relaxed knowing he's not panicking.

"Clare it's good to see you again however I wish it was not under these circumstances. It appears your fall put your body in distress causing preterm labor. The blood was a result of you being to dilate you are only dilated to a two and your water hasn't broken so we believe we can stop labor from progressing but if we can't we are confident that at this stage of pregnancy while you baby may have a stay in the NICU she will certainly survive." his words while not the best offer me comfort knowing my baby is okay.

After giving me the news and going over what steps they are going to take he suggests I call anyone I want here. I call Allie with no hesitation the next call is a bit harder to decide; As much as I want to call Eli I don't know if it's the best idea instead I call Cece. Our phone call is brief she's too busy panicking over if Lianna and I are okay she manages to tell me she's coming before frantically hanging up. While waiting for Allie and Cece nurses come in and administer medication to hopefully stop my contractions. Shortly after they are done the door bursts open the person not bothering to knock I honestly expected it to be Allie possibly Cece but it isn't either of them.

"Clare what's going on? Are you and the baby okay?" Eli says as he rushes into the room his words and motions going a mile a minute. The worry he is experiencing is evident from his body language to his facial expressions.

After telling him to calm down and filling him in on what happened and everything that's going on now I ask a few questions of my own.

"how did you get here so fast I don't mean to sound rude but why did you come?" I ask confused by his sudden involvement and concern.

"Clare" he Says pulling a chair up to my bedside "I came as soon as I heard, I hope you're not mad?" he questions raising his eyebrows and tilting his head slightly looking at me with hopeful eyes

"of course I'm not mad, I'm happy I just; I'm shocked" I answer honestly.

"good. As for your other question, why wouldn't I come? I have my doubts but as far as I know you're telling me this is my daughter if something serious like this happens I'm not going to miss it only to possibly regret it later if I'm wrong and you are telling me the truth."

We share a meaningful look it could have been minutes or hours I wasn't paying attention to anything except the moment and the genuine look of caring in Eli's eyes. He still doesn't believe me completely and I'm not happy about that but he came and he is concerned about our daughter that alone means a lot to me. This proves what a good father he's going to be not that I haven't known it all along. I probably wouldn't be so understanding or willing to forgive him for not being here for me had Cece not told me about what happened with Julia but, knowing the situation I know he's protecting himself; while it might not be the best way to handle it I can't hold it against him when I'm just as guilty of doing it not so long ago myself. I like to think I've matured a lot since then; I hope I have.

Our moment is disrupted when my doctor walks in with a serious look on his face it doesn't hold apprehension or the opposite just seriousness.

"Is this the father?" he asks looking at Eli.

"yes" I respond quickly my voice sounding matter of fact.

"it's good you're both here to hear the news I have both good and bad"

Eli and I look at each other then back to the doctor with concerned eyes this is the moment we find out what is going on with our baby girl I feel myself begin to shake. This emotion is completely new to me I'm more worried about her well being than my own my health hasn't occurred to me once I'd do anything to assure her safety. A moment later I feel Eli take my hand in his own firmly showing support I can't help but notice his hand is trembling Just as bad if not worse than my own.

"The good news is your baby looks perfectly healthy right now the bad news is-"


	14. Chapter 14

"The good news is your baby looks perfectly healthy right now the bad news is we haven't been able to stop your labor from progressing as easily as I anticipated you are still having contractions although mild they are consistent. We are going to increase the dose of medicine in your IV with any luck it will stop things. We would like you to make it to at least 37 weeks to give the baby's lungs a chance to develop more. However just to be safe we are going to give you a shot that will help move that process along. Keep in mind that if we can't stop labor there is a good chance your daughter will spent a week or maybe more in the NICU. Do you have any questions?"

Eli and I both sit silent taking in everything we have just been told over our baby's situation, I'm beyond scared. I I know she will more than likely survive regardless if she's born now, in a week when I reach 37 weeks or if I am able to make it to my due date in a little less than four weeks. With that fact in mind which I am grateful over, I understand some people have to cope with much worse news however I'm still upset I don't want my baby to end up in the NICU having to go through god knows what torture just because my body isn't doing what it needs to; Needles, IVs breathing machines are all possibilities. She would be so small so fragile enduring things that some grown adults have a hard time handling; All of it my fault. Maybe if I had been more careful or hadn't let myself get so stressed all the time over things that seem so trivial in comparison to my baby she wouldn't be in this position right now. I tell the doctor to do whatever it takes to give my daughter the best chance at staying put for the next four weeks; I'll take any amount of pain if it keeps her from feeling it. After the doctor walks out it's once again just Eli and myself alone, I try not to but I quickly lose my composure and warm tears began streaming down my face.

I feel Eli's body weight move into my bed his arms wrap tightly around my severely shaking body "Clare she's going to be okay try to calm down, I know this is hard on you but being upset won't help anyone. Her or you you have to be strong right now" his voice is smooth and soothing . He runs his fingers through my hair delicately as he does I can feel my body relaxing.

"What if something happens to her, this is my fault Eli. I should have been more careful; I let things stress me out too much and for what? None of that stuff even matters anymore I just need her to be okay" I cry into his shoulder.

"shh it's not your fault Clare these things happen. Everything will be okay." he whispers softly in my ear holding me tighter his hands now ghosting up and down my back softly.

Allie and Cece arrive shortly after Interrupting our moment. I love them but I wish they had not shown up so quickly so my time with just Eli could have lasted longer. This time it's not because I love Eli that I wanted time alone with him It's because I love our daughter; the life we have created half of me half of him. I know in my heart as complicated as things have been between Eli and I, she was conceived out of love. Things certainly aren't perfect and I know even after this he won't be able to let himself be fully involved I don't expect a miraculous change. He won't open his heart the way I have to her until the DNA test tells him it's safe to get attached; when that moment happens there isn't a doubt in my mind he is going to be every bit as in love with her as I am already. I've already realized his exceptional ability to love a long time ago a blessing and a curse for him. Our daughter will be lucky to have the best of it.

I fill Cece and Allie in on our most recent update and just like Eli they are able to calm me down. Allie takes on protective best friend action trying to keep my mind off of the possibilities of a negative outcome and Cece holds me in a sweet embrace having them here has really helped. Cece especially her nurturing ways and the motherly comfort she gives is exactly what I need, she may not be my mother but she is my baby's grandmother as well as an absolutely wonderful person she has been here for me as much as I have allowed her never overstepping nor pushing me away; I know exactly where Eli got his caring nature from. While Allie and Cece are busy comforting me I watch Eli pace back and forth around the room obviously anxious himself the waiting seems to be taking a toll on him now that he doesn't have to be strong for me. I wish I could be inside his head he's been distant for months but within an hour he has gone into a full blown worried father state.

Three long hours later and we still have no more information. a nurse came in to check my cervix an hour ago but she didn't tell us anything; I'm getting worried and Eli is getting aggravated.

"They need to let us know something it's been three hours for fucks sake they have to know something." Eli says still pacing around the room like he has the past three hours I'm shocked he hasn't burned holes in the floor only his hands are now making fists.

"Calm down baby boy I'm sure they'll be in soon with news" Cece reasons with him but to no avail.

"If they aren't in here in five minutes with some answers I'm going to find someone, if it was their baby they wouldn't be taking their sweet ass time figuring shit out" He growled I'm not sure what has changed in him over these past few hours but it appears whatever it is it has awoken papa bear and all this waiting is not making him happy. I decide to take a shot at trying to calm him down.

"Eli can you come over here?" I ask him softly.

"Is something wrong?" He replies nervously walking over to me in hurried steps.

I pull him in close by his neck hugging him and whisper in his ear "Calm down okay getting worked up won't help remember? everything's fine right now just sit with me please" I feel him take a deep breath before sitting down on my bed beside me.

Another hour slowly ticked by. It's now four in the morning Cece and Allie left half-hour ago to get some sleep. Eli is currently lying beside me both of us drifting in and out of sleep. My head resting on his chest, one of his arms under my head and his other around me so his hand rests gently on my giant baby belly. I'm not sure how we ended up like this but I'm enjoying the security of his body surrounding me it always has offered me comfort unlike anything else. As we are lying here quietly I feel Lianna start kicking around she's always active at crazy hours of the morning hopefully that's not the case once she's born. I look over noticing a smirk on Eli's lips his eyes still closed but obviously awake and aware of our daughters stirring seconds later I feel his fingers lightly rubbing my stomach Lianna kicking in response they continue going back and forth and I can't help but smile at the adorable moment that came from this terrible situation. I don't say anything just embrace the phenomenal feeling I'm getting from this moment of father daughter bonding I never thought I'd experience.

Finally the doctor walks in with a smile on his face and I feel relief run through me knowing he's got good news this time.

"I have great news for you two or three I should say. We were able to stop the contractions everything looks perfect. You are going to have to take it easy no strenuous activity or stress or you may end up here again. You can work but only if you can take frequent breaks unless something occurs that causes concern in the meantime you are free to go home and I'll see you Monday to make sure everything's going smoothly." The doctor smiles.

We shake his hand and thank him before he exits the room. Eli offers me a ride home and I graciously accept since the ambulance brought me I do not have my car and I would hate to call Allie back here so late for a ride. Eli helps me out of the bed and watches me intensely the whole time never taking his eyes off of me or wandering far from me when we reach his car he opens the door and helps me in. I can't help but giggle at his sudden protectiveness.

"something funny?" He questions cocking an eyebrow once he's taken a seat behind the wheel.

"just your sudden watchful eye you know I'm not going to break getting in a car" I reply still laughing.

"it's almost five in the morning and you are kind of clumsy you never know" he smirks glancing at me before pulling off.

Most of the ride is quiet it's not awkward in anyway it's just been a long night. Halfway back to my house I can feel myself falling asleep with my head against Eli's shoulder until he speaks waking me up immediately.

"You and Jake; are you sure you guys are just friends?"

"yes we are just friends as of right now." I tell him truthfully.

"What does that mean as of right now?" he asks his voice getting agitated.

"it means exactly what I said. What concern is it of yours?" I ask becoming annoyed myself.

"I don't know maybe the fact that you are supposedly pregnant with my daughter and I don't want him playing father to her or being involved where he shouldn't"

"our daughter not yours and I'm not going to stay single forever just because you can't handle the idea of another guy in her life"

"I'm perfectly fine with you dating but I'm not going to sit Around while some guy spends more time with her than I do or tries to push me out"

"What do you think is going to happen when I get married to someone eventually? This is part of life in our situation when a child is involved and I don't know why you think you can suddenly decide how much time I spend with someone. Jake's been more involved and more of a father to her already throughout my pregnancy than you have" the moment the words come out of my mouth I regret them.

"well then why don't you and Jake raise her be a happy family since that's what you want you make it pretty obvious you don't need me anymore Clare. I'm sorry I can't trust you after all the shit you pulled. You told me there was no way she was mine until the other guy died what was I supposed to think? Fuck! what did you want me to do? Be there open my heart to you and a baby then look like a fucking fool while getting crushed when it turned out to be a lie and you ripped everything I had from me."

As he finishes his outburst we pull into my driveway I'm not sure if i should get up and leave or try and fix this if that is even possible after what I said as true as it was it was uncalled for and rude of course I decide to say that when he's actually attempting to be involved we sit in his car not saying a word for at least ten minutes.

"I'm sorry I didn't-"

"don't bother go in call Jake and have a wonderful life"

"why are you being like this! So I said a really messed up stupid thing but you crossed a line you don't see me telling you what to do with your life. I never asked you about Imogen!" I yell at him having enough of always being the bad guy.

"no you just had a jealous outburst in the middle of the dot then had your boyfriend rescue you" he said coldly

"you know what fine, I give up I don't want you involved. I'll raise this baby with Jake like you want so much. Have a nice life with Imogen but use protection considering you're a fucking coward!" I don't care how wrong what I just said was right now I storm away slamming his car door as I exit.

As I go into my house and up to my room I'm still fuming from my argument with Eli. I take out my phone and send a text without a second thought.

Clare- you were right I don't think Eli is good for the baby and I think it's best he isn't involved. Do you want to talk about us still?


	15. Chapter 15

_authors note: so I really enjoyed writing this chapter a lot of exciting stuff happens! Also I once again apologize for an errors in spelling or phrasing. Thanks for the reviews and of course reading my story I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it now let's get this chapter started:)_

I force my heavy body to roll over still feeling drained from the events that took place last night into the early hours of this morning; I'm not sure any amount of sleep would have made much of a difference. Everything after leaving the hospital is a bit blurry I vaguely remember my fight with Eli and from what I remember I'm not proud of my actions. I know that I told him something to the effect of him not being involved with our baby that alone makes me cringe. Of course he made me mad but this isn't about me and Eli it's about our daughter what was I thinking? He is her father I can't change that or cut him out just because I can't stand to look at his smug face at the moment. Then it hits me full force like a car going 95 mph down the highway not bothering to slam on its breaks.

I told myself I would change but obviously I haven't made good on that promise not one bit. So I went out and bettered myself by getting a job and an apartment for my daughter but even that benefited me. What have I done to be less self-centered? Nothing. My argument with Eli proves that and from the look on his face I might have really done it this time. The saddest thing is if I finally did enough damage my daughter will be the one paying the price. That thought is sickening. Suddenly my phone goes off reading the message my stomach sinks at the words I'm reading making me want to vomit.

 **Jake- of course I do. I'm glad you finally realize your daughter doesn't need him. Keep him away I'll be there for both of you she doesn't have to know anything about him I'll be her dad.**

Once I read the message i sent to him in a fit of anger I'm appalled not only by myself but also by Jake. He's really that willing to swoop in and steal someone else's child? While the small… Okay huge selfish side of me wants to find it sweet and go along with his offer knowing it would be easier than dealing with the mess I made; I can't get past the disgusted feeling. I call the one person always on my side Allie.

After filling her in on everything I'm shocked by my best friends words.

"Clare, you know I love you and I'll always be there for you but I can't support what you did last night. It was really messed up" Allie's words only confirm what I already knew.

 _"I know. I don't know why I said any of that I just want us to be able to raise our daughter without us being together"_

"No Clare that's not what you want; you are not over Eli. What you did last night was hold your baby over his head it was a power move you wanted to make him jealous over Jake while making sure he knows you have something of his that he wants something he's not going to willing give up regardless of what he said last night; One thing I know about him is he's not going anywhere once he knows you are telling the truth about the baby being his. I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this but you are trying to hurt him because you still want him; you are being selfish. "

Was she right? Am I doing all of this to be spiteful just because Eli doesn't want me? I mean sure I can admit I'm not over him but I'm not that petty or am I?

After hanging up with Allie I text Jake and tell him I was wrong about what I said and about Eli and, that we need space from each other. I can't use Jake as a rebound or someone to take Eli's place; another selfish act I was in denial of. I need to just focus on my baby and improving myself. Maybe I'll actually be able to stop being this person; I don't want to be her anymore. I want to be someone my daughter can be proud of and not just because I'm intelligent but because I'm actually a good person. The more I think about it I can't understand why Eli wasted his time on me in the first place; Perhaps he saw potential behind my self-centeredness. If so I hope he was right; Maybe then I'll actually be worthy of the love he tried to give me.

I text Eli telling him how sincerely sorry I am for everything not that this would be the first time he would be receiving a similar apology from me. In the text I include that I am no longer associating with Jake so he doesn't have to worry about that anymore but, my text goes unanswered. five hours later twenty text messages and a number of calls I'm not sure of I lost count at thirty I still haven't gotten a reply from him. I really messed up this time. He probably thinks I'm just going to use our daughter against him for the next eighteen years if he's involved. I give up trying to get in touch with him the ball is in his court; I just hope he comes around before our daughter is born.

 **Three weeks later:**

Lianna's due date is just around the corner I'm both overjoyed and terrified. I haven't spoken to Eli since the night of our fight or, should I say he hasn't spoken to me; I have sent him frequent updates on our baby making sure to do my best to keep him involved. Cece even came to a few doctors appointments with me, she said Eli isn't mad he's just nervous after everything I put him through he's afraid to get attached to our baby. I can't help but feel bad that I put him in this position making him scared to love his own child. Three weeks ago I probably would not have understood his position but, after Allie's tough love and constant setting me straight when I needed it I've come a long way for real this time. I'm determined to prove that to Eli not because I want him to forgive me and have some unbelievable change of heart making him want to be with me again but because I owe it to him.

I'm currently laying in my bed, it's around 7pm I'm exhausted after working today I decided to save my maternity leave for after I have Lianna so I can spend the time with her as my due date approaches my swollen aching feet are not happy over my decision and my back is right with them on it. Thinking of my back; I've been having a funny feeling all day the dull ache in my lower back Just won't go away. I thought it was from working but an hour after getting home and it's still there just the same. Maybe a bath will help.

During my bath my back ache was feeling better I soaked in the warm water letting it calm my sore body for nearly three hours but now that I've gotten out the ache has turned into a pain much worse than the dull ache I had prior and now I'm starting to get a familiar coming and going cramp in my stomach. I decide to call the on call doctor at the hospital to find out what I should do. I talk to the doctor briefly she tells me I could be going into labor or it could be false labor which isn't uncommon so she advises me that I shouldn't come in just yet; giving me instructions to time the contractions until they are five minutes apart each one lasting a minute before leaving for the hospital. Once we hang up I download an app on my phone to help me time my contractions I can't help the thought that technology makes everything easy.

I wake up abruptly to the feeling of my bed being covered in warm wetness. I don't even remember falling asleep. As unsettling as the sudden water is the excruciating pain that I'm suddenly hit with makes me forget all about it; I can't breathe or think straight as the pain peaks; I feel like my insides are being squeezed with an amount of force I didn't know was possible to achieve at the same time it's as if I'm being stabbed in the back. Once the pain subsides I form a coherent thought. I know what's happening I'm in labor not only that my water has broken and I'm pretty sure I'm in full active labor so my baby could come at any moment. No sooner than my thought another contraction hits me just as hard if not harder. I press the button on my phone to time it; start to finish it lasts a minute and a half and I know for a fact it was less than two minutes after the previous one. I call 911 hoping they get here quickly before sending a message to Eli that probably makes entirely no sense.

 **At the hospital:**

The ambulance had made it to my house in less than five minutes and I couldn't be more thankful. The paramedics rush me through the doors and straight to the labor and delivery floor I was at just three weeks ago. Everything is happening so fast, No sooner than making it into a room I feel my pants being yanked off, hands on me and the sound of people talking around me I'm assuming them to be doctors and nurses but, I'm in too much pain to be able to understand what they are saying. Suddenly I feel like I'm going to throw up; I manage to warn a nurse seconds before I vomit more violently than I have in my entire life. The feeling of my muscles tensing only making the pain I'm in worse how is that even possible for it get worse?

Immediately after I finish throwing up I feel an intense urge to push, like I had to go to the bathroom but a million times stronger. I once again tell the nurse and she doesn't seem shocked.

"you're fully dilated stay calm and listen to what we tell you it's almost over"

I feel my body shake uncontrollably from both fear and adrenaline, they remove the bottom part of the bed having me lay so my butt is almost off of it. The doctor quickly moves between my legs sitting, he's dressed completely in scrubs I hear him say he can already see my baby's head so it should not take long. The nurses take my legs moving them up as high so they can and then the pushing begins. Less than five minutes later I hear crying throughout the room the pain is gone and the nervousness and fear I was feeling are a distant memory all I can feel right now is love as they place my daughter in my arms for the first time. The moment only lasted briefly before they take her to clean her up weigh her and check her vitals but that moment with her in my arms was enough for me to fall more deeply in love than my mind can comprehend.

" 6 pounds 10 ounces 18 inches long she's perfectly healthy and beautiful congratulations you did great" the nurse announces as she brings my newborn baby girl back to me wrapped in a pink blanket.

Finally having the time to take in her appearance I can't help but be in awe over her. She's absolutely gorgeous of course I'm a little bias but even if she wasn't mine there is no denying it. There is also no denying who her father is; she has a full head of dark brown hair with long dark eyelashes to match, her skin tone is lightly tanned just like his in fact all of her features resemble Eli's to a almost identical level other than her adorably chubby cheeks she got from me. I'm fairly confident she will have his stunning green eyes as well.

As much as I love this moment with my daughter I can't help but feel something no someone is missing. Eli should be here. I had told him I was in labor but it being such a ridiculous time he probably hasn't even seen the message yet. I wonder if he'll come; I hope he does. I decide not call anyone else until morning so he has time to respond it doesn't feel right to tell anyone else first.

When Lianna falls asleep I decide to fill out her birth certificate information before going to sleep myself I put Eli's name down as her father if he decides to sign it or not is up to him I assume he'll want to wait until he gets the results of the paternity test; One thing was vary difficult hope I made the right decision on her last name with everything so up in the air.

I'm woken up by the sound of Lianna fussing I'm alert immediately. I had no idea becoming a parent would make me so agile I guess it's motherly instincts taking effect. Feeling worry over what is causing her to become upset I sit up to comfort my daughter only to feel a hand gently placed on my upper arm.

"I've got her, don't worry about it"

If I wasn't awake before the sound of Eli's voice has certainly done the trick

 **... He came**


	16. Chapter 16

**... He came**

I rub my eyes in disbelief of what I'm looking at surely I must be dreaming; after blinking several times I have no choice but to accept that my eyes are not deceiving me. Eli is here holding our daughter I can't believe that after all the terrible things I did and said to him over the past few months he came. The sight of him rocking our newborn daughter lovingly in his arms is one of the most mesmerizing views I have ever been blessed enough to see I can't seem to take my eyes off of them; the way he's looking at her like she's his entire world makes my heart turn to complete mush. My hormones are reacting and I can feel my eyes starting to water. I do my best to keep them unnoticed I don't want this moment to end.

"Clare, what's wrong why are you crying?" Eli asks his voice sounding worried as he moves to sit next to me.

" I-I I'm s-sorry for ruining your moment with her I'm just so h-happy you're here after everything" I stuttered through tears.

"shh" he says softly looking into my eyes "don't worry about that right now. We will talk about that later if you want to okay?"

I nod my head yes but continue talking anyway once my tears slow down "I didn't think you would be here Eli, I thought you hated me and-" my voice cracked before I could finish my sentence and the sobbing started again.

Eli put Lianna down before hugging me careful not hurt me while holding the comforting embrace "I'm here aren't? Everything else doesn't matter anymore. I would have been here sooner if I wasn't asleep. Lucky for me I woke up in the middle of the night and happened to notice my phone blinking; your message was really messed up by the way, were you on drugs saint Clare? He jokes trying to lighten the mood.

I can't help but giggle at him "I think I have pretty much ruined that nickname between just the premarital sex and baby out of wedlock without considering everything else, sadly I wasn't on drugs just in the worst pain of my life, thanks a lot Eli" I joke back.

"sorry about that, you know being the cause of your pain" his voice serious again.

"It's okay really, she is more than worth it. thanking you would be more appropriate than you apologizing right now. I love her so much"

"I love her too Clare with everything I have. I know it seems shocking after how I've acted but, the moment I saw her she completely stole my heart. I wish I could have been there so you weren't alone I can't think of anything I regret more than missing it. Not just last night either, I messed up a lot too" I hear sadness in his voice now.

I pull away just enough to look at him I can see glassiness in his eyes from tears threatening to fall, seeing him hurt like this feels similar to a punch in my gut. how can he think this is his fault? I know now is the time to truly own up to my mistakes. I brush the stray hair away from his eyes and take both sides of his face into my hands Making him look me directly in my eyes.

"Don't do that. This was my fault all of it I messed up over and over again you tried so many times to forgive me. I kept messing up; I was so selfish Eli, I hurt you. I lied to you and I used your kindness and love for me. Don't apologize or blame yourself for trying to keep from getting hurt with good reason; if i had not done all of those things and just broke with K.C you would have been with me I know that. You are the most caring, loving, and selfless person I know. Stop feeling bad for something you wouldn't have done if you weren't basically pushed to"

Our eyes lock green meeting blue, I feel my heart race as butterflies swarm my around in my stomach. The effect he has on me hasn't changed one bit; the only love that can even come close to comparing to the love I have for my daughter is the love I have for her father both for the amazing person he is and because the miracle he's given me. Neither one of us dare take our eyes off the other for the longest are everywhere we just had a baby together that is a powerful experience. I look away regretfully knowing we can't act on the feelings we have right now.

"So um about the paternity test what do you want to do about that" I ask him looking down feeling guilty about the situation.

"Do I look stupid to you?" he responds to my question with a question furrowing his eyebrows.

"what no?" I reply swiftly confused by why he's asking that.

"Then clearly you haven't looked at our daughter, she looks just like me if I went through with that test I'd look like a jackass, I don't think it's necessary" he says playfully with a small laugh making me smile.

"Are you sure? I won't hold it against you. I understand why you want it done" I press the subject I want him to be positive over the situation it's serious.

"Clare" he says grabbing my shoulders, tilting his head down as he shakes it back and forth his expression amused "She's mine we both know it, so stop trying to get revenge by making me look like an idiot by getting a DNA test. she's clearly a Goldsworthy" He looks up at me his face suddenly serious again. "Clare, is she I mean I understand if not but-"

I press my fingers over his lips to end his rambling as adorable as it is "Her name is Lianna mae Goldsworthy. As cute as your concern is you can relax daddy, well' I trail off "actually you aren't legally daddy yet you have some papers to sign before you get that privilege" I joke.

"Well what are you waiting for? Give them to me I need to make this official before you change your mind " he says with that smirk I love.

I get the the information for her birth certificate that I had filled out; Eli signs it enthusiastically making him biologically and legally her father.

Lianna starts crying so i feed her no sooner than I finish Eli practically jumps to steal her away from me claiming he's "making up for lost time" as much as I want her all to myself I don't protest watching him with her is just too precious. The joy he seems to get changing a diaper is beyond my comprehension She's only hours old and she has him wrapped around her little finger. She will be a daddy's girl no doubt about it.

Once Lianna is peacefully sleeping Eli finally puts her down, an hour after she fell asleep. He offers to leave so I can sleep but I can easily see how much leaving her is breaking his heart and, somehow him leaving feels wrong in every way. I tell him he's welcome to stay and he doesn't hesitate even for a second before happily accepting the offer. We decide we will call everyone in the morning tomorrow to let them know our baby girl has made her appearance. We end up sharing my small hospital bed the rest of the night. Cuddled up next to Eli with our daughter sleeping soundly next to us I can't help the feeling of wanting us to be a family of course we are one now but, I don't want us to be a divided family. I want us all together all the time. I want to fall asleep and wake up in Eli's arms for the rest of my life; After our night I'm starting to think maybe that's not so impossible even if it doesn't happen anytime soon. Hopefully he wants the same thing I suppose only time will tell.

 **Two days later:**

These two days with Lianna have passed so fast too fast for my liking, we are getting ready to leave the hospital to finally go home. I am happy to bep discharged I miss being home but, certain reasons make me wish we were not leaving just yet; one reason in particular Eli. He hasn't left the hospital once; Cece even brought his clothes when she came to meet Lianna so he wouldn't have to leave. He's been such a big help this whole time and I love him being here with us; as much as I'm dreading going our separate ways I know he probably feels even worse having to leave our daughter for the first of many times.

After packing our stuff and signing all the necessary papers Eli puts Lianna in her carseat and we head to his car ready to leave the hospital and start our new lives as parents in the real world. We pull up to my apartment shortly after; the car ride was quiet we didn't speak a word to each other I think we both had the same feeling of dread. I get out of Eli's car heading over to get Lianna from the other side but Eli is out before I get around the car already getting her out.

"I'm sure you're still sore and the carseat is a little heavy with her in it, I can take her in and help you get settled if you want? He asks hopefulness glistening in his green eyes.

"I'd love that, thank you" I smile sweetly at him feeling my heart flutter at the one he gives me in return.

Once we get inside I am even more thankful for Eli's offer. I hadn't realized how sore I still am until I going up the stairs of my second floor apartment. As much as I try and keep my discomfort to myself it doesn't take long for Eli to notice.

"Do you want to go lay down? I can stay here and watch her, that way you can get some rest" he asks taking Lianna out of her carseat and placing her in her pink kitten rocker.

"I don't want us to be a burden. I'm sure you have stuff to do you have already given up so much of your time home to be with us"

"a burden to spend time with my daughter?" he says looking at me as if I have two heads.

"I didn't mean you don't want to spend time with her. I just don't want you to feel like you have to be around all the time; unless you want to be of course you can be here as-"

"Clare stop rambling, as adorable as you are when you're flustered you need to calm down" he says laughing.

"I am calm" I say crossing my arms.

"sure" he says sarcastically "back to the point. I don't feel like I have to be here I want to be here. I want to spend every possible second I can with our daughter. So how about you go upstairs and rest you just had our baby a few days ago"

"Are you sure?"

"positive now come on" he says putting his arm around me resting his hand on the small of my back.

"You know I appreciate all of this but I could have managed getting up the stairs by myself and I certainly didn't need help getting in bed" I joke as Eli covers me up

"whatever happened to just saying thank you?" he says playfully scrunching his face.

"thank you" I smile as he starts walking out but I suddenly have a question I can't help but ask "hey Eli, why are you being so nice to me?"

He turns around giving me a questioning look "why wouldn't I be?

"after everything I just thought you would hate me" I say sadly.

"Clare, I could never hate you, you're the mother of my child and even if you weren't I still couldn't" just as he finishes Lianna starts crying from downstairs "that's my cue" he smirks leaving the room.

" _I could never hate you"_ those words are all I can think about as I drift off to sleep.

When I wake up I notice it's dark out; I have no idea how long I slept for. I check my phone and see it's one in the morning I hear Lianna crying and bolt out of my bed. When I get to her room I notice Eli sitting in the rocking chair feeding her. He looks up and notices me staring at them.

"Well hello there sleeping beauty, it's a pleasure to be graced with your presence. How'd you sleep?" he says just loud enough for me to hear.

"better than I have in months honestly, thank you so much. You could have woken me up you know it's so late" i say walking over to them.

"actually it's early, and why would I do that? Then I'd have to share this beautiful little princess" he says with a smirk.

"she is beautiful isn't she" I coo

"of course she is she's mine" I roll my eyes playfully smacking his arm.

"could you be more smug?"

"I think you already know that answer"

After laying Lianna down I offer to let Eli spend the night, he graciously accepts. Trying to sleep in my bed is a task I ache knowing Eli is sleeping just down the stairs and not with me the want to be close to him nearly overpowering my judgment more than a few times before I am able to fall asleep.

In the morning the air is heavy, Eli is about to leave to go home, we agreed he could come see Lianna whenever he wants but it's still hard knowing he's not going to be here all the time. He is really struggling with hasn't let go of Lianna all morning I can only imagine how he will be when he has to go back to New York.

"So I'll see you soon?" I say as we stand next to the door leading outside dragging out his departure.

"I'll be back sooner than you think I promise I can't stay away long" He smiles sadly.

"Thank you Eli for everything. You have been so helpfully and amazing with our daughter. I don't know what we'll do without you. If I haven't told you this I am so happy you are her father" I say my voice cracking tears threatening to make an unwanted appearance.

Eli wraps his arms around me tightly in an emotional love filled hug "As happy as you are about her being mine, I promise I'm one hundred times happier" he whispers in my ear before leaving.

Watching him walk out I feel my heart break a little. I'm not sure where things will go with us, I know I'm thankful to have Eli in my life in general but I want more I don't think that will ever change.

 _Authors note: So this chapter was less intense than the others but I felt like it was a nice change, but I promise the roller coaster is far from over. I hope you enjoyed reading! Of course as always thanks for reading and reviewing I love getting feedback from you guys._


	17. Chapter 17

**Four weeks later:**

"As cute as this is you do realize if you keep spoiling her by never putting her down you are going to be sorry eventually when she starts acting like a little monster." I giggle as I walk in Lianna's room quirking an eyebrow.

Eli is supposed to be putting her in her crib for bed he brought her up an hour ago,that's certainly not what I'm looking at. Eli is currently sitting in the rocking chair with Lianna snuggled up into his chest while he gently runs his fingers through her hair rocking slowly. It's an adorable sight over the past four weeks she has managed to wrap him around her finger but, to be fair she's a daddy's girl no question about it. She wants Eli here all the time I desperately wish I could give that to her she deserves a family that's together and happy; but he leaves tomorrow to go back to NYU while we will remain here in Toronto and our relationship is strictly platonic. I'm not sure how any of us are going to adjust to him being gone though we may not be together but we have been acting like a family.

"I'm not spoiling her I'm loving her, and besides my little princess could never be a monster." Eli whispers quietly so he doesn't wake Lianna.

"We'll see about that but, she's your daughter so I'm pretty sure monster is already embedded in her DNA" I joke walking closer to the two of them.

"funny" he replies with a smile.

"why don't you lay her down and we can watch a movie?"

"I think I'll pass" he says with a smirk.

I cross my arms and fake pout within a short moment he gives in to my request I'm pretty sure he would have anyway. I watch as he puts Lianna down carefully in her crib before whispering I love you to her and kissing her head; being able to see him with her and knowing how much he loves her is one of my favorite things I've made a lot of mistakes but watching the kind of bond he has with her I know Eli being her father is not one of those mistakes.

"so what do you want to watch?" Eli asks walking into the living room.

I look over at him planning to answer his question like any other time. We have been together everyday for the past four weeks and agreed to keep things strictly away from any romantic involvement up until now we have been successful but, for some reason tonight my mind is traveling places it shouldn't be. First it was innocent enough; my eyes went from his alluring green eyes down to his perfectly soft plump lips then to his incredible jaw structure. My eyes flickered back and forth a few times before daring to travel lower; down the bare skin of his neck, then his chest and shoulders even covered I know very well what's underneath his shirt the thought of caressing those areas of his skin alone is enough to make my body feel hot. Against all my better judgement my eyes go lower, picturing his slightly defined abs and then finally they reach the most dangerous territory imaginable they travel below his belt I can't keep my mind off the memories of the earth shattering inmate moments we've had together. I feel myself getting wet I want him again he's the only person I want. I know I should force my eyes to retreat back to an acceptable place and push the tempting thoughts away but I can't it's beyond my control. I catch myself biting my lip remembering the erotic feeling he is capable of giving me. Suddenly I'm jolted from dirty thoughts by warm breath hitting my ear.

"Do you still want to watch a movie or is there something else you want?" I look up only to be met with those seductive eyes they are dark and filled with as much lust as I'm sure mine are his husky tone drives me up the wall and I let out a moan unexpectedly as his hands run light as a feather down my arms before moving to my sides then hips.

"you know what I want, and it's not a movie or your sarcastic remarks. I want you all of you please" I whisper sexually in his ear while boldly grabbing his belt and beginning to undo it.

He bites his lip making one of the sexiest sounds I've ever heard and I can't take waiting a moment longer for him to react. I don't want him I need him. In an instant I have his belt and pants undone. Pushing him to the couch removing my shirt before I straddle his waist taking dominance in the situation before long all our clothes are on the floor ready to take this to the final step, our lips and tongues are moving violently never separating; it's as if we need each other more than air. He positions himself on top of me, moans escape me without restraint as he continues to touch and tease my body not a single inch left untouched, i can't take much more and he knows it. I feel him starting to press the tip of himself into me I respond by throwing my head back; I'm expecting the bliss I've become accustomed to feeling when I finally get to feel him but, that's not what I happens. As he pushes further inside I feel a stretching and burning like I'm being torn it's as if I'm a virgin all over again. I feel myself tense up and whimper involuntarily from the unexpected pain.

"is something wrong?" Eli asks in between the kisses he's placing on my neck and shoulders. I shake my head no thinking it will be better at any moment. I want this closeness with Eli so badly I'm willing to risk it.

Once he's completely inside of me I feel myself pulsing around him but not in a pleasant way, infact I'm having no pleasure at all physically that is emotionally I love the closeness. I realize as much as my mind and emotions may want this my body might not be quite ready. Just a few slow movements from him and I know just how unready for this I physically am; the stinging is worse than losing my virginity was by far tears fall from my eyes furiously no matter how hard I try and force them back.

"E-Eli stop, it hurts I'm sorry" I whisper in his ear trying to keep my voice from shaking as I put my hands on his hips to still him; I don't want to alarm him I know he didn't know he was hurting me and it was not his intention.

He stops without hesitation looking at me compassionately with understanding, he places a tender kiss on my lips before removing himself from me causing me to make another painful sound.

"It's fine don't be sorry, I'm sorry I hurt you I should have thought more instead of acting on impulse I just wanted to be with you so bad" he says genuinely before kissing me sweetly all over.

I'm pleasantly surprised by his actions he is being so loving towards me just like he used to be; maybe what just happened wasn't strictly an act of hormones and lust. After a few minutes laying silently enjoying the kisses Eli is showering me in the sound of Lianna crying fills the walls. I move to get up but Eli stops me gently pushing me back kissing me once more on my lips.

"I've got it" he says with a sweet smirk.

I watch as he puts on his shirt and boxers before walking off to take care of our baby girl. I'm trying not to over analyze what just happened; as much as I want it to mean something more significant than just sex I know I can't push it. The last thing I need is tension with Eli we have been getting along so well and it has to remain that way for our daughters sake my feelings don't come first anymore she is first always. I begin to doze off unable to fight sleep any longer being a mom is even more tiring than I had thought. I suddenly feel Eli move beside me taking my body in a strong loving embrace before kissing my head, Eli's voice whispering goodnight is the last thing I hear before darkness surrounds me.

 **The next morning:**

The sun comes shining in through the window causing me to wake up from a peaceful sleep, I roll over to find my bed is empty I feel a bit worried that maybe Eli left in the middle of the night once reality of what we did or should I say almost did set in? I'm not sure if it counts or not but I don't regret whatever it was not a single second of it; I just hope he doesn't either. I decide to go check to see if Eli is still here or not. I walk in Lianna's room, it's empty so where ever she is her father will surely be close. I walk down stairs finding Eli in the kitchen making pancakes while Lianna is in her swing contently staring at him.

"Hey pretty girl" I say as I pick Lianna holding her tightly to my chest kissing her head taking in her scent of baby wash it's addictive.

"Well good morning to you as well Clare you are welcome for breakfast" Eli says sarcastically getting my attention the first thing I notice is that smirk on his face.

"Thank you Eli, that was very thoughtful of you, it smells amazing" I smile graciously "How long has this precious little one been awake? I ask him curiously as he walks over leaning down kissing her head the same way I had just a minute before.

"About an hour, she had a bottle and has been an angel all morning"

"Well in that case she may look like your twin but she must act like her mommy" I joke.

"ouch again with the insults you're relentless" he jokes putting his hand to his chest.

"okay mister predictable, we should eat you have to leave in a few hours" I say sadly

"don't remind me, I'm telling you I should just transfer to a closer school, I can't take not being here for weeks at a time"

"Eli, NYU is your dream you can't give that up" I smile sadly rubbing a hand up and down his arm.

"was my dream, dreams change I'm looking at mine. I don't want to leave it" He says firmly looking at me and Lianna I'm not sure what he means but the ideas I'm getting make me heart flutter.

"you'll be back before you know it. We'll be here waiting for you"

We ate breakfast and the rest of the day went by unpleasantly fast. It was now time to say goodbye and I'm not ready to let Eli go. After a long sorrowful moment with Lianna Eli finally wills himself to put her down before coming over to me. His eyes are noticeably red and I can't help but to pull him into a hug I can't imagine what he's feeling right now.

"it's okay Eli" I say rubbing his back soothingly still hugging him.

"I can't do this, what if something happens while I'm gone" he sounds so broken that it feels like my heart is going to be crushed just hearing the pain in his voice.

"she'll be fine Eli I promise, I'll make sure you know how she is everyday" I tell him honestly.

"thank you" he says softly pulling out of our hug I hope the few tears he couldn't hold back all the while he's staring me deep in my eyes it feels as if he's looking into my soul he raises his hand lightly stroking my cheek before my hair. "Clare, I'm going to miss you so much, I know we have done this a million times and it's not just us anymore but I love you so much it's like I can't breathe, I don't want to give that up last night with you was well it was something" he laughs lightly "but it was perfect, being with you is always perfect no matter what"

I'm left unsure how to respond I'm overjoyed and nervous at the same time I suddenly feel his lips against mine in a sweet passionate kiss it only lasts a few seconds but it was enough to take my breath away.

"we'll talk" he smiles before walking away.

My emotions are all over the place I'm ecstatic over what he just told me but heartbroken that he's gone tears burn my cheeks. I close the front door and within seconds my phone goes off.

 **Eli- Don't cry I'll be back soon if you need me before then I'll come back no hesitation and don't even think about not calling me if that happens. I'll have Adam watching you. I miss you and Lianna already. I'll call you when my plane lands be strong for our baby girl.**

I take a deep breath and calm myself down reading his message. I need to be strong for Lianna I can't make this about me that's what the old me would have done. I'm not sure how but we'll get through these next few weeks.

 **Three weeks later 3 in the morning:**

" _911 what's your emergency?"_

" _it's my baby I woke up to check on her; when I didn't I noticed her breathing is shallow and she's turning blue please hurry"_

I'm currently sitting at the hospital with Cece waiting to find out what's wrong with my baby every second feels like my heart is being torn from my body. Thank god Cece is here to comfort me or I'd most likely be undergoing a psychological evaluation because I'm sure my sanity is questionable at this point I called Eli and he is on his way he sounded frantic when I told him over the phone.

 **6am:**

Cece and I are sitting in a hospital room with Lianna, I feel terrible looking at her she has an I.V in her arm and she looks so gave her an albuterol treatment with a nebulizer so her breathing has gotten much better after testing they told me she has pneumonia she will be admitted to the hospital for a few days but she will be fine I'm so relieved this morning I thought I was going to loser her.

"Clare! Is she okay? What happened?" Eli asks frantically as he burst through the doors.

"she's going to be okay she has pneumonia"

"pneumonia!? How the hell did she get that" he asks walking over to her letting out a breath when he sees her sleeping peacefully.

"I wish I could tell you but i have no idea I guess when we went somewhere, I feel terrible Eli I thought she was going to die she was blue" I sob into my hands unable to control it any longer.

"shh, Clare she's okay calm down it's not your fault everything will be okay I promise I'm not going back I'm transferring my mind is made up" He says calmly bringing me into his arms tightly.

I'm thankful Eli is here and is being so supportive, shortly after he left he became distant, I never asked him about it because I didn't want to stir things up. Now that he's here I can't help but wonder.

It's been two days that we have been in the hospital with our baby girl we are getting discharged tonight. Not once since Eli arrived has he brought up anything about our relationship or lack of one. He Has been extremely distant; so I decide that once we get back to my house I'll ask him what's going on. I need to know what's going on with us one way or the other.

We arrive at my house late around 10 pm Eli is taking Lianna up to her room so I decide to change into pajamas after removing my clothes I feel warm lips on the back of my neck and warm gentle hands caressing my body.

"you are so beautiful Clare" he says his voice sharp sending chills down my spine. I know I shouldn't do this without finding out what's been going on but the urge is too powerful.

"make love to me Eli" I say so softly I'm not sure if he can hear me at first but his actions assure me that he can.

While we are making love I can't think of anything else. The way our bodies move in perfect harmony fitting together like a puzzle we can communicate without words every pant moan and whimper has a meaning that only we can decode. He knows how to touch me based on pure instinct and connection his hands caressing me in my most intimate places sends shocks of pleasure through my body. There is no rush to reach climax we savor every moment of the bliss we feel while our bodies become one. After a remarkable amount of time we finally fall over the edge of ecstasy, staying connected as we come down from our endorphin filled high.

While Eli is in the shower I hear his phone go off and the new text message alert shows up. I know I shouldn't check it but curiosity overtakes me and I do it anyway.

 **Lenore- I miss you baby all of you our night together was amazing call me**

 **Xoxo**

I drop the phone from my hands feeling completely betrayed. seconds later Eli walks in the room looking from me down to his phone.

"who is she?!" I say anger and anguish dripping from my voice.

"Clare; it meant nothing she means nothing" he says cautiously.

Just like that I feel my heart crumble.

 _writers note: so how do you guys feel about the newest curve ball? Sorry it took longer to post then normal I I was having a bit of writers block. I'm not quite sure if I want to wrap this story up in the next few chapters or not sequal perhaps? Please review and let me know:)_


	18. Chapter 18

**Continued…**

"who is she?!" I say anger and anguish dripping from my voice.

"Clare; it meant nothing she means nothing" he says cautiously.

Just like that I feel my heart crumble.

"You slept with her?" I ask looking at him with watery blue eyes. I don't want to hear the answer but now that i have read that message I need to know.

"Yes. It was one time I never meant for it to happen things just got carried away. I don't love her I love you I swear"

At his admission I wish more than anything I could go back in time and never pick up that stupid phone it's true ignorance is bliss and I want that but now I have to face the reality "How can you say that? I know we weren't together but if you love me how could you do something you knew would hurt me so bad did I even cross your mind?" I realize I sound hypocritical after all I have done to Eli I can't deny that but I thought we were past this stuff.

"People make mistakes Clare I didn't want to hurt you should know that the last thing I want to do is hurt you, it was a mistake I had no intention of it happening"

"I know that god of course I do I'm not completely naive and we both know I messed up so much in the past but I changed for you for our daughter for our family" I say pacing the floor "I thought we were done with this. We can't raise our daughter living in constant turmoil she needs stability Eli"

"We can give her that Clare, it's not like we were official" He says looking at me with sad green eyes I want so much to accept that reason but I can't.

"Don't give me a technicality Eli, we aren't typical teenagers anymore we can't act like it we have a daughter, someone depends on us. Wanting to be with me no not even that wanting to be a family, should have been enough to keep you from jumping in bed with some girl until we figured things out. How can you say you want his when you would risk losing it for a cheap thrill. Didn't get you learn from watching me make a complete wreck of everything? We can't do this anymore it's not just us!" I yell through the monumental amount of tears coming from my eyes my thoughts are going a mile a minute they are conflicting forgive and forget knowing I have no right to judge or end this train wreck before it can hurt us anymore the feeling of the room is like a scene from a movie where you watch star crossed lovers suffer a tragic ending.

"Clare I love you please" Eli says his voice saturated with a tone that can only be described as true headache.

"I love you too Eli, so much. After everything I did to you I know I should forgive you but I can't all we do is hurt each other it's toxic; All this constant making up just for it to fall apart again is exhausting and confusing it'll only be worse for a child to watch. I don't think us together is the best thing for Lianna. I'm sorry" it took all I had in me to be able to let those words come out of my mouth it was even harder than the first time I ended what Eli and I had I can only hope it's the right thing this time.

"All I want is you and our daughter nothing else matters to me I'll do anything to prove that to you" Eli pleads one more time a look of hopelessness and devastation in his eyes, that look is tearing me apart, testing my ability to hold on to the decision I made. All I want is for us to be a happy family losing that and him will always haunt the back of my mind.

"I'm sorry, please understand I'm not doing this because I don't love you or want you I do so much it hurts" I say with a sad smile wiping the tears away from his cheek that had fallen freely he isn't trying to hide his pain and neither am I.

"How did everything end up like this so, so completely wrong it's all wrong why weren't we able to make this work"

"I don't know Eli but I wish we could have more than anything" I say sincerely.

"I promise you one day we'll be together Clare, our story isn't meant to end this way I won't let it We've been through too much all that has to mean something it can't all just be for nothing what kind of sick twisted joke would that be? It doesn't matter because that's not what this is. We are meant to be together I've known it since the moment I met you and one day you'll realize it too." Eli says firmly before turning and leaving the room with the same determination he had when told me to break up with K.C, a moment that seems like an eternity ago.

Watching him walk away feels like he's taking my ability to breathe with him this is worse than every other time, I crumble to the ground immediately bursting into a hysterical crying fit I'm sure I'll pass out from hyperventilating if I don't get a hold of myself soon, I spent hours crying in the floor hugging my body so tightly it was as if I thought I'd lose myself if I let go even a little. Finally I'm able to force myself into my bed I'm amazed I made it considering my extremely light headed state from a combination of lack of oxygen and being purely exhausted. As I'm falling asleep a quote comes to mind from a song I know.

"If you love something let it go; if it comes back then that's how you know."

 **Four years later:**

"Lianna Goldsworthy, you need to calm down and get ready we are going to be late. I say sternly trying to get my now four year old daughter to stop jumping on her bed.

"Is it time to go see daddy" she replies jumping off the bed her green eyes lighting up brightly.

"yes but if you aren't ready I guess I'll just call and tell him we can't come this weekend" I know that will make her finish getting dressed.

"No mommy no! I'm ready see" she smiles throwing her coat on.

"Well then, let's go" as soon as I say go she's running down the stairs cheering.

We get in the car and set off to Eli's house just the same as we have every single Friday for the the past four years. Our custody agreement states he's supposed to get her other weekend but, he insists on taking her every every weekend and I'm not going to argue the matter; it seems fair. We have managed to co parent exceptionally well, I'm so thankful knowing Lianna doesn't have to watch her parents fight or be stuck in the middle.

"Daddy!" Lianna shouts jumping in Eli's arms as he opens the door.

"Hey princess, I missed you" giving her a huge hug. "can you go inside? I need to talk to mommy" she nods her head before giving me a hug and kiss bye.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I ask arching an eyebrow.

"maybe I just want to talk to you or something" He smirks flirtatiously.

"hmm, I don't think your girlfriend would like that very much" I say playfully.

"She wasn't my girlfriend and, even if she was we ended our relations last week. I'm completely available"

"Well I'm not, you know that"

"unfortunately. How are you and your meat head anyway?" he asks obviously not actually interested.

"Be nice, Luke and I are good. Thanks." I smile.

"Wonderful" he says sarcastically.

Eli has always had bit of a grudge against Luke. I'm not sure why Luke is always polite to him and he's good with Lianna we have been together for almost a year now and he's never done anything to get on Eli's bad side.

"anyway" he says shaking his slight attitude away " I was wondering what the plan is for Halloween this year"

"I figured you me and Luke-"

"you can't be serious? You're thinking of having him come with us?" he asks raising his eyebrows in an unpleasant manner.

"Well I just thought it be a good idea for us to get used to him being a part of things like this, considering he's going to be around" I say cautiously.

"it's been less than a year. You aren't married or engaged unless you're pregnant I don't see how his being around is defiant" I look down only to see his eyes get wide in realization when I look back up. "you have go to be kidding Clare"

"I don't know yet" I say uncomfortably.

After that the vibe becomes tense, it hasn't been this tense since our argument four years ago. I watch as Eli runs his fingers through his hair in frustration trying to thinK of how to approach the situation, he looks flustered and not one bit okay with this but I can't blame him. If we switched places I wouldn't be happy in the least bit either. It's no secret we have unresolved feelings.

"Well I better get inside, We'll talk about this later? He questions

"Of course." I reply unable to look at him.

On the way home I get lost in my thoughts, I care about Luke but, if I'm supposed to be happy and moved on why are thoughts of being with Eli still haunting me? I can still hear Eli saying he loves me at night while I'm falling asleep in Luke's arms sometimes forcing myself to believe he's the one holding me. There isn't a day I don't wonder what if; if I hadn't messed up so much, if he hadn't slept with that girl. Would be be together and happy? As much as not knowing the answer to that hurts I just can't risk up turning Lianna's life like that. Not that I'm not doing that now; If I'm pregnant with Luke's baby I don't know what I'll do.

"Babe, I'm here" Luke says walking up the stairs to my bedroom.

"hey, I didn't think you were coming tonight?"

"I realized it's Friday and figured we could have some fun with Lianna gone."

He pulls me in and starts kissing my neck usually it would feel good but, I can't keep my mind off the possible unplanned pregnancy. How could I be so stupid, I already have a four year old with one man I don't need a baby with another that I'm not married to. Besides that I honestly can't imagine having a baby with anyone other than Eli ever.

"I think I'm pregnant" I blurt out quickly to get it over with.

"that's a bad thing?" he asks looking up at me confused.

"we aren't married, We haven't even been together a whole year"

"Clare you already have Lianna with someone you aren't with you are in a lot better position than you were when he irresponsibility got you pregnant. We have good jobs we can handle a baby. If you are pregnant we'll get married and move to a bigger place near my house its an excellent place to raise a family" he says nonchalantly.

"you live an hour and half away. What about Eli I can't take Lianna away from him?"

"He'll get over it, we don't need him and neither does she I honestly think she should spend more time with us anyway we should be her primary parents he's just a burden getting in the way" After those words came from of his mouth rage overcame me I knew we were going to argue; however I never imagined the night would take such a terrible unexpectedly dark turn no matter how mad we were.

 **Three hours later:**

I regain consciousness in a fog like state I don't even remember passing out but from what I do remember I'm thankful I did. I feel powerful pain unlike I've ever experienced all over my body. I look down noticing a pool of blood and I'm completely unsure of where it's coming from to be honest nearly every part of my body is in severe pain from the inside out. Trying to process everything it's like I'm out of body it's a terrifying experience it's as though I'm detaching from myself mentally fading from reality while still awake. I know I need help though; In my dream like state instead of

calling 911 I call someone else.

 _Ring ring ring…._

" _Hello?" the voice answers tiredly._

" _I need help I'm bleeding there's blood everywhere he-" I can't finish my sentence I can feel myself starting to get to weak from heavy blood loss._

" _He? He what Clare? Clare? Fuck. Clare! Clare! Answer me shit Clare!" his voice frantically called then everything started fading it was like someone was dimming the lights and placing a fan in my ear before the world went black again._

This time when I come back to reality, I don't feel any pain but, I do feel like I'm floating not in the same sense as before this feeling is good. It doesn't take long of me looking around and hearing that annoying beeping sound to know I'm in a hospital room and my loopy feeling is probably due to strong pain killers. I look over to my left side and see a familiar dark haired man sitting with his head in hands looking completely distraught.

"Eli?" I say my voice weak and raspy.

His head shot up and he was beside me quicker than a bullet "Clare, I was so worried. For a while there we didn't know if you were going to make it" he said tears brimming his eyes.

"how long have I been out of it? I ask taking his hand lightly.

"two weeks. Your injuries were apparently so traumatic they didn't want you awake you were in a medically induced coma." as the reality set in all I could think of was my little girl.

"what about Lianna!" I shout frantically trying to get up.

"relax Clare, she's been with me she's okay but she misses her mommy desperately. She's with my parents right now." Eli says lightly moving me to lay back again.

"Of course I should have known you would have her, I never have to worry about her as long as she has you I don't know why I questioned it for even a second." I smile weakly "Do you know what happened to me?" I ask curiously the last thing I remember is my violent battle with Luke but it certainly wasn't enough to land me in a medically induced coma.

"I was actually hoping you knew, the doctors know I'm sure of it but they won't tell me a thing trust me. I demanded to the point I got thrown out the first night" he laughed humorless while rubbing the back of his neck.

"well let's find out. Stay with me?" I ask shakily I want to know badly but, I'm terrified to know the events of that night.

"Did you really think I was leaving even if you attempted to me make me you could not force me out of this room. You realize that right? Eli smirks lightening the mood.

We call for the doctor, he comes in immediately accompanied by two nurses. Once they have checked all my vitals and wounds the nurses leave and the doctor looks at me with a serious look.

"Do you know any of what happened to you the night of your attack Mrs. Edwards?"

"I remember is fighting with my boyfriend. Things got a bit out of control and he, he hit me over and over with force the last thing I remember is him pushing me, everything after that is blank" I tell him honestly I don't dare look to at Eli.

"I see. Are you sure you want in here for this. I have to warn you what happened to you is extremely violent and graphic I'm not sure if you'll be able to handle it. The doctor says his eyes filled with sympathy.

I look at Eli and feel him grab my hand firmly. He has a stark expression on his face his body language is tall and steady. I know I need him here with me. "I'm sure I want him here" I say sure of my decision.

"Okay I suggest you both prepare yourselves this news is going to be very unsettling if you need to take a moment feel free to let me know at any point in time something this violent doesn't occur often" I take a deep breath before I nod for him to continue as he begins to speak I feel Eli's grip become even tighter.


	19. Chapter 19

_Writers note:_ _ **Trigger warning**_ _for violent content explained read this chapter with cation please:_

First the doctor goes over the less traumatizing events and injuries the basic bruises, cuts things of that nature. He says he and rest of the team including the cops and investigators that are handling my case suspect I was initially knocked unconscious from Luke's push the injury to my head is a gash with bruising surrounding it that leads them to believe during the fall I hit my coffee table most likely the corner with an extreme amount of force. He goes on to tell me that they are not sure if I was actually unconscious during the whole "attack" it's also possible I'm having memory loss or suffering memory repression to protect my emotional well being. He believes after I initially lost consciousness left completely defenseless Luke lost control even further knowing I couldn't fight back. As the doctor is explaining the rest of my injuries and what Luke did to me I feel as though I'm becoming physically sick.

What he did to me was horrendous way beyond what any normal human would do to someone they were supposed to care about. He raped me that alone sends shivers down my spine knowing he used my body for his own sick twisted pleasure like I was an object but the more I heard the worse it got; this wasn't your typical rape. I not only did he penetrate me with his body both vaginally and rectally, I was assaulted with a sharp object violently it was obvious he was trying to mutilate me. He used enough force to cause extreme damage not only to my vagina itself but to my reproductive organs. It tore through my cervix along with perforating my uterus. The doctor explains that attacks like this are rare even though being raped by a boyfriend is common the violent way he did so is usually driven by motive as well as rage. I believe I know exactly what drove Luke to this inhuman act of pure torture he inflicted on me with probably no remorse; my unwillingness to have a child with him or make a commitment to him when. He already knew I had unresolved feelings for Eli but I suspect he thought they would eventually go away. My unplanned admission of my true feelings for Eli and how intense they actually are probably drove him over the edge. The final piece of information I'm given is more than I can handle the overwhelming news causes me nausea to become twice as strong.

"I understand all of this is overwhelming but, I need to tell you that you suffered a miscarriage during the attack and while we were able to prevent a hysterectomy we are 90% sure that the incident has caused infertility and you won't be able to conceive again we can't be certain but it's what we believe is more than likely. I'm sorry Mrs. Edwards"

With that the bile made its way up, thankfully Eli notice and was prepared he handed me something to throw up in since I still wasn't in the physical condition to run to the bathroom. After throwing up so much I was dry heaving I was able to get a hold of myself. The doctor left the room leaving me and Eli alone to take in what we had just been told. I had not planned on having another baby until I was married and in a secure relationship but I had always planned more children at some point. Knowing that will probably never happen is heart wrenching. Not only that who's going to want to be with someone so broken. To my shock Eli has remained sturdy as a tree never showing an emotion other than caring and compassion comforting me while I lose all sanity becoming emotional wreck unraveling in his arms. Finally I decide it's time for us to talk.

"Thank you, for being here for me it means a lot." I tell him hugging onto his body tightly.

"I'm not going anywhere ever." He says running his fingers through my hair lightly kissing the top of my head.

"I know" my voice trembles as I nuzzle my head in his strong chest taking in his comforting scent.

"Then be with me, you know you can depend on me so just be with me" he says his voice serious.

"what?" I'm shocked by his boldness we haven't brought up the idea of us being together once in four years.

"Be with me actually with me completely committed, I know now is probably a horrible time for this conversation not in the least bit romantic but I can't wait anymore. I can't risk this happening again or something worse you don't need anyone else you have me; I love you. I love you more than possible We're adults now we have a child together what's stopping us? I know you love me don't pretend you don't so that's not a reason. I'm not going to let another guy swoop in and hurt you I'll end up in prison and our daughter doesn't need that. I want to murder Luke I want to rip him apart limb by limb. I'm holding myself together for you, you need me to be strong but if it weren't for that I would have lost control by now he's lucky I don't hunt him down for this. So just prevent the possibility and be with me."

"Eli, I'm not your problem all I've ever done is make things more difficult than they needed to be and now I'm broken." I say sadly removing my grip from him to look down sadly.

"Clare" he says lifting my chin his touch light as possible our eyes meet the emotion is radiating from us. "do you love me the way I love you?" I nod knowing there is no sense in fighting it "Then stop being difficult now." he says rubbing his fingers over my cheeks wiping the tears that are still falling "We love each other it's not that complicated, I heard everything that doctor said and to be blunt I don't give a damn. We will get through it together of course it's upsetting that you may not be able to have another baby and that you're not going to be in the best place for a while but, that doesn't change the way I feel about you; you and Lianna Mean everything to me. We're lucky enough to have her so let's be thankful for that. Just be with me we can be a family like we should have been all along stop fighting it."

I look into his sincere green eyes the same ones I've been in love with for the last five years constantly pushing them away and making things harder than they needed to be this man is the love of my life I know that and it's not hard to make a decision. He's right about everything he's also everything I've always wanted and maybe us finally being together can be the rainbow after the storm.

"okay" I smile still crying

"okay?" he asks skeptically looking into my eyes.

"yes. Let's do this, I want you. I want us I love you."

"This has taken way too long" he smiles before leaning in kissing me slowly his hands resting on my sides, while my hands grip his neck lightly, he keeps his actions innocent making sure not to take our moment too far considering the circumstances. I missed the feeling I get from his kiss so intoxicating if for only an instant it numbs the pain.

"I love you, I always have" those words coming from his mouth couldn't feel more right.

"I love you too, I always have and will. I'm sorry this took so long" I coo as I brush his dark locks back.

"Don't apologize, all that matters is now everything else is history. We're going to get through this and have the best life possible together" he says sweetly while he's looking at me as if I'm the most beautiful girl in the world never releasing me from his hold I can't help but lean in and kiss him again.

Even after everything that happened and everything that is far from over looking at this the amazing man in front of me getting lost in him knowing he's mine, I can't help but feel I'm lucky. He saves me.

 **Three weeks later:**

It's been hard dealing with what happened. With DNA and my statement they were able to arrest Luke, I wish I could say that made things better but it doesn't sure I'll most likely get justice by him ending up in prison for the various things he's been charged with but, no amount of jail time will undo what he did or change the effects it's left on me and my life. I've been having vivid nightmares, I'm not sure if they are memories or my imagination willing in the blanks either way they are chilling enough that they are effecting my sleep.

It's a chilly fall day the windows are open letting the breeze flow in, Lianna and I are here at my house alone the same place the attack took place those few short weeks ago. Although we did replace the carpet due to staining everything else is the same as it was that night, the walls are still a light peach, the brown furniture remains exactly as it was along with all the floral decor. The house is just outside of town in a pretty rural area with plenty of beautiful trees now taking on the fall look there is a decent walking distance from one house to the next probably the reason why no one heard my fight with Luke. I used to love this house the surrounding scenery just the all-round peacefulness of it; now it gives me cold chills maybe that's just a small post

traumatic stress symptom that I'll be able to get past moving isn't exactly in my budget. Eli is at work he's been staying here and being more helpful than I think he realizes I have no clue how I would be doing without him. I'd never admit it but I count the minutes until he walks through the door taking my anxiety away with his presence. His ability of continuing on with life while not minimizing or over dramatizing what I went through and am currently still going through is exactly what I need to begin to heal. Hopefully my fear of being alone doesn't start becoming too much for him; he's been my rock I know what happened to me is a lot for him to deal with but, he makes sure to not make this about him, however I feel like he needs to let his feelings out, he's always been an emotional person so him holding it in has me concerned. I don't know how someone like me who has had such a struggle with being selfish is lucky enough to have someone so easily selfless.

"mommy!" Lianna's tiny voice that I love so much pulls me from my thoughts

"what is it baby?" I say walking over to the table where she was sitting coloring books stead all across it.

"I'm not a baby anymore mommy, I'm a big girl I'm in pre-K!" she says scrunching her face angrily.

"I'm sorry if course, what is it big girl?" I smile amused by her attitude.

"where's daddy?" she asks still coloring

"He's a work, he should be here any minute now"

"does daddy live here now?" she questions tilting her head to the side.

"it's complicated" I tell her honestly.

"well he's always here now he sleeps here and everything and you told aunt Allie you love him you guys even kiss does that mean you guys are going to get married because that's what married people do mommy"

"ah, um, no not necessarily sweetie. Just let mommy and daddy worry about it. This is grown up stuff" I answer her not sure how else to respond. As if on queue the front door opens signaling that Eli is back and Lianna shoots up out of her chair running in his direction.

"Hey princess, I could get use to this greeting" Eli smiles picking her up kissing her cheek.

"so stay here forever." she offers.

"I think that's up to your mommy" he says casually.

"mommy wants you here though, I heard her talking to aunt Allie. She said said so herself addy and aunt Allie says you and mommy are soul mates and that mommy needs to stop being difficult and get her head out of her butt. That part confused me because mommy didn't have her head in her butt" Eli snickered at the end I wasn't as amused.

Oh how I wish kids had a filter when it comes to relaying information. I couldn't help the blush covering me when Eli looked over at me a smirk upon his face looking as smug as could be.

"ls that so Clare?" he asks me putting Lianna down walking towards me.

"perhaps it is" I say still slightly embarrassed over my daughter confusing but private conversation to the last person I wanted to get back to.

"it is daddy. Stay here daddy please marry mommy so you can" Lianna begged making me more embarrassed than I was originally.

"mommy and I will talk about it princess I would marry your mommy today if she wanted that" he smiled wrapping his arms around me.

The rest of the day went by like any other, Eli and I are laying in bed I'm laying on my side and he is holding me from behind, I can't believe I went without this for so long. I nearly forgot about my daughter's little rant this afternoon until he decides now is the time to bringing it up.

"You know I meant what I said about marrying you?" he says pushing my hair to the side before kissing my neck.

"you don't think that would be rushing this" I reply softly, tilting my neck to the side granting him more access to my neck.

Why worry about rushing something that's right we've already wasted so much time" he breaths I feel his hands start to roam my body sending shivers down my entire body. I haven't had any intimate contact since the incident and I'm sure for some people this might be too much too soon but his tender hands slowly exploring my body leaving a burning pleasure on every inch they touch is the most natural feeling of pure ecstasy imaginable it could never feel uncomfortable. I haven't been with Eli in this way in four years and there is no way I'm ending it before we both feel the explosion of emotion and pleasure we've missed for so long.

Things begin to get heated quickly, pants and whimpers filling the otherwise quiet room between hunger filled passionate kisses it doesn't take long before most of our clothes are lost engulfed in the hazy aroused feeling I rake my hands down his bare sweat covered back earning a sex coated moan my hands traveling down towards his erection In attempt to move our intimate moment along but suddenly Eli pulls back.

"we should stop now while I still have control before this goes further than what you're ready for" he says breathlessly before sighing and rolling onto his back running his fingers through his matted down hair.

I roll over so my naked upper half is resting on his "I'm ready for this, you aren't him. I could never associate your touch with such evil. I want this Eli and I want you forever" I purr in his ear.

His eyes widen as he turns his body to face me caressing my side with his finger tips. "Are you saying you'll marry me?" he asks cautiously.

"nothing would make me happier" I say locking my eyes with his.

"I love you" he rasps pressing his forehead to mine brushing our lips together before finally his wet lips came crashing against mine with fire.

I feel him hook my legs around his waist before his knee began to gently rub between my legs causing me to whine his name pleading for more. Taking the hint the rest of our clothes are lost and our body's connect in pure love and need, he's careful with me making sure not to cause any pain knowing my body is still fragile. Every movement is sensual and deep never losing the meaning,my hands rest along his Lower back my nails lightly scratching as he moves at a soft steady rhythm within me until I cry out his name in bliss he moves become more frantic until he devolves into pleasure.

"That was amazing" I mummer still coming down from the high.

"you're amazing" Eli cooed kissing my forehead before removing himself from me and cuddling beside me.

We lay there embracing for what could be minutes or hours I'm not sure before Eli breaks the silence.

"are you on birth control? we didn't use a condom" he asks running his fingers through my hair.

"no but I don't think we have that to worry about. You heard the doctor" I say sadly looking up at him.

"you never know, either way we'll be happy. I promise."

I bring his hands up to my face playing with his fingers, occasionally pecking a light kiss on them until my eyes get heavy and darkness takes over me listening to the sound of Eli's peaceful breathing.


	20. Chapter 20

**Two months later:**

Today is the Day; a day I thought would never happen, it seemed like nothing ever aligned for us and that having a future together was nearly impossible but yet today I am marrying Eli. Standing in backroom of this beautiful church waiting for the time to come to I'm dressed in a long white dress with my makeup done more extravagant than it ever has before it's not too much but it's applied way better than I could ever dream to do myself. I have to admit I look amazing and I feel like a princess in storybook but, all that doesn't stop the nerves from kicking in. I feel sick to my stomach I'm terrified I'm going to ruin my dress by not being able to avoid throwing up. I have felt like this the whole week it makes me worry if it's right thing or not of course I love Eli but Am I rushing this? Can we really make a life long commitment to be with each other no matter what life throws at us? After everything that we have been through it would seems so considering we're at this point but part of me feels our relationship is cursed and we did let those things continuously tear us apart. Oh no here it comes. I run to the bathroom throwing up somehow managing to do it somewhat gracefully not getting anything on my expensive dress that all my friends and family are waiting to see. As I'm calming my nerves my maid of honour's voice appears.

"you need to take a test Clare" Allie calls from outside the door.

"I'm not getting my hopes up Allie. There is no point in taking a test especially not when I'm about to get married in I don't know fifteen minutes." I tell her matter of factly.

"Clare just do it for me, I have one right here please what could it hurt" she says practically begging.

"fine but only to prove you wrong" I say opening the door roughly with an irritated look on my face grabbing the test from her hand "help me hold this dress up since this is your idea"

Allie agrees not even blinking she just ignores my diva behavior and helps me with my dress once I've taken the test all we can do now is wait although I already know the answer I only agreed so Allie would stop pestering me, after what Luke did to me I've accepted I'll only ever have Lianna I'll have to be okay with that. While we wait we discuss the Luke situation it seems relevant under the circumstances. He had his preliminary hearing a week ago and it looks like he's going to be in jail for quite a long while. Not that it's going to change anything but at least he'll suffer some consequences for his unbelievable actions, although he is trying to get out of it by pleading insanity anything to not be held accountable for what he did I assume because there is no way he wasn't aware of what he was doing, he wanted to hurt me more than just physically. I never gained any actual memory of the incident myself, I can't say if my nightmares were a recollection or if I was just creating it in my head with the information I was given after a while with Eli and my therapist help they stopped all together. I've been able to move past the experience a lot better than a lot of people I still can't be home alone after dark but I'm I'm thankful for being a able to cope as well as I have and even grateful I don't remember what happened first hand.

The timer on Allie's phone goes off causing us to jump from surprise. I don't even bother checking the thing like I said I know the answer I'm not pregnant it's pretty much impossible Allie is being delusional. She walks over and picks the test up off the counter top. I don't ask her the results I just continue our previous conversation said nothing happened. When she doesn't reply after a minute or so I look over and see her staring at the test wide eyes I give her a confused look not sure what's going on.

"earth to Allie?" I say cocking my head to the side while raising an eyebrow she looks up with a stunned look upon her face.

"Clare it's positive you're pregnant" she says sounding almost robotic.

I stand there still as a board taking in what she said in complete disbelief there is no way. After taking the test from her to see for myself, I'm caught off guard hearing a new unexpected voice join in the conversation

"A baby! That's amazing" Cece says sincerely her voice emotions filled.

"Cece I didn't know you were there. I-I didn't think I was or that it was even possible anymore, Eli has no idea" I'm not sure why but that's all that came to mind.

"Clare I'm sure he will be thrilled. Don't worry about how he will react or consider anything bad coming of this" Cece coos hugging me sweetly.

"we're getting married in a few minutes I don't have time to tell him before we-"

"shhh. Stop stressing yourself, tell him after baby girl it won't make a difference I promise." she soothes while stroking my hair gently careful not to mess up my perfectly placed curls.

No more than a few seconds after Cece reassuring Allie comes in letting me know it's time to walk down the aisle to where the man of dreams, father of not just our incredible daughter but the miracle baby I'm carrying awaits. I compose myself and head in the direction of my future. I watch as Lianna strolls down the walkway tossing flowers she looks stunning. Then the wedding March begins to play; I feel my heart race, butterflies flooding my stomach. I move my feet in the direction towards the altar just as planned, I turn the corner and see my soon to be husband standing next to the preacher waiting for me at the end of the decorated church the only way to describe the sight would be enchanting. Hundreds of white candles glistening in the romantically lit room; it's covered with the most immaculate red roses I've ever laid my eyes on. The scent filling the room is almost enough to relax my shaking body.

I get to the end coming face to face with Eli the preacher between us but I instantly lock eyes with the love of my life feeling memorized. He's perfection. He's changed my whole entire world and made me become a better person. When I think about to the girl I was when we shared our first kiss; I can't believe this wonderful, caring, selfless man is real and he wants me and not only does he want me he wants me forever. I don't know how I ever lived without him or even thought it was an option not be with him. When I look into his forest green eyes, I see deep into one of the kindest heart and souls on the earth. He's everything good this world full of bad has to offer. Despite the feelings I was having earlier that our relationship is "cursed" I know in my heart it isn't true and even if it was there is no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with so it isn't always going to be easy, Is anything worth having ever easy?

I would give everything for this man in front of me including my own life that's what true love is; love is selfless it's putting someone else before yourself it took me a long time to figure out but the love we have for one another made it possible. His love and our kids are all I need in life. I know for certain I will love him forever until death do us part. So as I take his shaky hand tightly in my own as we begin to recite our vows there isn't a doubt in my mind that this is right this is our destiny. Our love is one thing that have full faith is true and real.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride" hearing this tears flood my eyes we are married.

We share our first kiss as husband and wife and it's like everything is right in the world, I haven't been this happy since I held Lianna in my arms for the first time. We both have tears streaming down our faces and as the guests cheer in the background it still feels like we are the only people in the room. We whisper tender I love yous before as we kiss again and again like the world is about to end only for us it's really the opposite the world is just beginning.

We arrive at the wedding reception shortly after, As we walk through the front doors we are officially announced as Mr. And Mrs. Elijah Goldsworthy to everyone and I feel my heart skip a beat; nothing has ever sounded more perfect. Eli holds out his hand gesturing me to take it I accept, he walks me to the center of the dance floor and the lights dim. We share our first dance as a married couple we are now one he is mine and I am his. I'm on cloud nine. I take in his scent the same one that has had me intoxicated since high school; my head rests on his chest while his hands rub gently up and down my back. When I look into his awe consuming green eyes I can feel love radiating from them.

I can't help but tell him what I've been holding back for to long.

"Eli, I have some news" I tell him while staring into his eyes.

"yes my love" he answers his eyes never wavering from mine.

"you have to promise not to freak out, I just found out today" I say nervously.

"I promise, nothing could ruin this day, as long as nothings wrong with you, you're okay right?" I can hear worry crossing his voice. I know I need to just say it and not worry him any further so that's what I do.

I such in a huge breath before telling him the news "Eli, I'm pregnant"

First his face is overcome with shock his eyes go wide and he curls his lip at me but within seconds his looks turns to pure happiness and I feel relief set in.

"This is amazing!" He practically shouts.

"so you're happy?" I ask timidly.

"happy? I'm ecstatic!" he smiles spinning me around.

"I'm so relieved to hear that. I love you" I say adoringly.

"I love you two Clare always have always will."

As the night comes to an end and we head off to our week long honeymoon in Paris; I know that the best thing I ever did was fall in love with Eli and that our love will conquer everything that comes our way. I reminisce back to that day in the hallway that he told me to break up with K.C and the certainty he had that we were meant to be together and I can't help but wish I had listened to him sooner because in his arms is where I was always supposed to be.

 _ **Author's note- so I'm thinking this is the last chapter maybe? I will most likely be doing an epilogue though. Thanks for reading:)**_


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